might delete this, might not. this is one of the most personal things I've put online lol
definitely tw for like anything and everything, I go into detail
everyone in my life who I tell this story to always expresses major concern, and I understand why, I would too in their position. a 14-year-old in an online sexual relationship with a 17-year-old is never okay, but I don't think I was.......that affected in the long run? as far as I know, I don't show signs of being traumatized from it, it was kinda just a thing that happened to me I guess. like yeah he pressured me into interacting with him sexually and showing him my body, but that only paints a bad picture of him, not me. why should I feel bad?
I met him on discord thru a mutual friend who then met him in vrchat. after just that one sentence I feel like you don't even need to read the rest of this to know how bad it was lmao
we told each other our ages and he immediately said "yeahhhh it'd be weird if something happened between us......" next day? he asked me out lol
I think one of the only true negative feelings I felt about that whole thing was annoyance, he was *so* clingy and sensitive. NOT that these are objectively bad traits to have; it was just something about him being sm less emotionally mature than me and I always had to do constant consoling, even though he was almost a fully adult man, and I was only 14. and the context to him expressing these two things gets increasingly ridiculous.
- I had to go offline for a few hours to do something irl? he'd spiral and I'd have to talk him out of wanting to kill himself.
- I wanted to hang out with friends? he'd spiral and I'd have to talk him out of wanting to kill himself.
- I wanted to be less sexual with him? he'd spiral and I'd have to talk him out of wanting to kill himself.
it was so annoying he made me so MADDD.
it got to a point where he needed me to video call whenever I bathed so he could watch (lol?? weird). and one time the wifi went out which ofc disconnected the call, I didn't notice this until I was out of the bathroom,
but what happened when I checked my messages after that? he spiraled and I had to talk him out of wanting to kill himself. it's kinda comical.
he needed to always know where I was, who I was with, when I could get home so I could go back to sitting on a call and do nothing with him for hours. he wanted the password to all of my socials and I gave them. he knew more about my whereabouts and life than my own parents. this all lasted for 6 months.
him constantly doing this made me develop sm pent up stress and I felt suffocated. I was constantly angry and growing more and more resentment towards this dude, I grew a bad temper that didn't go unnoticed by the people around me.
my friends eventually gave me a mild intervention and told me I should leave him. my first thought was, "wait I can just do that?" one, because I didn't want the responsibility of him hurting himself because of me leaving. secondly, I always felt that I needed to be in a relationship with ANYONE at all times, can't explain why.
after a long talk with said friends, I was like, "yeah I gotta gtfo". it was hard to start the conversation to break up in the first place, but they thankfully hyped me up enough that I ripped off the bandaid to him in that same sitting. I faked some tears with "I'll miss you" in some voice messages for the next few days so he'd finally leave me alone, because before that he either begged me to come back or acted like a kicked puppy as an attempt to guilt me into coming back. for a week or two I was pretty upset literally just because I didn't like being single, other than that I couldn't care less. I didn't even consider that it could've been grooming until talking about it with other people years later.
right after the breakup and since then, I just don't care that it happened at all. is that a normal mentality to have, and is it healthy? was this even "grooming" if I feel so much indifference? to my understanding, being groomed is a horribly traumatic experience that stays with you, even throughout adulthood in most cases. I don't think I have any of this. then again, everyone's experience is different??? I guess???? Is there anyone else who feels the same way about something traumatic that happened to them?
