I've gotten comfortable being in the house all throughout my first gap year- so much so that my mom is practically begging me to leave the house. Which I do from time to time but despite her telling me repeatedly that its not good for me i've gotten so used to it even as I was growing up and throughout high school. Whenever I wanted to do anything that interested me or showed my parents it just ended in either a lecture about how it wasn't appropriate, satanic panic, or they would just make the excuse that it was on a school night. Which lead to a lot of no's. So growing up throughout my 12 years of school I slowly stopped asking them about if we could go to certain things and I think they noticed that. A LOT. Whenever I did rarely ask it was always 'some other time', 'maybe later', 'another day', or better yet 'i'll talk about it with [insert parent.]' I usually knew that meant no. It was just another soft sentence for no.
Eventually the word no for anything just became embedded in my head and instinct even now as an adult. During school I didn't dare as to even stay after school unless I was forced to for tutoring and even then I still hated it. I was exhausted by the end of everyday not wanting to socialize unless it was with my school friends. I know almost everything about my parents but they know nothing about me at the same time. Whenever my mom and sister would spend time together and invite me it was my instinct to say no. I could read the room and emotions before I read books. Whenever it was anything outdoor related it was a herd pass. The sound of buzzing bees and bugs in my ears was an immediate no- headphones wouldn't cut it either.
I've been in this house for a year and now my mom is begging me to resocialize again; except the thing is I didn't really keep up with my school friends. By the time I had wanted to exchange phone numbers with some of them I was already rushed out the stadium building cause my parents were ready to go home. So I learned very quickly I had made a lot of school friends and close proximity ones but not actual true friends in a sense. She also keeps telling me to find actual people and socialize with them about things i'm interested in but truth be told; a vast majority of those friends are online. Vast majority of my interests are online as well and things I can't afford. I know where I want to make friends in certain places but I already know my parents answers is a no, especially if it costs money or if its too far from the house.
Days I spend at home most of the time i'm stressing about money. Money that isn't there, money that doesn't exist, money that I SHOULD be making but haven't. She's right about me socializing but I don't know how to go about it again. I get so drained in the thoughts of my own head. It doesn't help that she wants me to show her my artwork. Which i'm not comfortable doing that given the tense 'relationship' we've had over the years. I'm basically a recluse atp-
I know the type of friends I want, but I can't keep appeasing my own family forever.
I know the type of friends I want, but I don't know how to approach them.
any ideas?