So, guy I met on Discord, we’ve gotten really close recently mostly because he’s proven to be much more accepting than most about my more personal stuff, and I can’t tell if I’m just platonically obsessed with him or if I’m entering the early stages of a crush. Like we know what the other looks like, he looks a lot better than most cis guys I’ve met if I’m being honest (like he has an actual fashion sense) and he’s like a loser but like in the goofy way, he listens to me yap abt my obscure interests and he has more weird and obscure taste in media like i do, he compliments me more than any person ive ever met, and we have a history of joke flirting with each other, and idk, in one way or another i fucking need him, I need to be as important in his life as he is in mine, that’s to say, the most important, I want him to see the most disgusting, vile parts of me, I want him to see just how fucking broken I am so I can know if he truly loves me, I want to be something he can’t let go of, because I can’t let go of him, at the same time I know such attachments just hurt people, and I’m mad at myself, but I want him to understand my pain. I don’t want to get closer with him, I want to hurt him, so he stays away, or maybe to see if he will leave. I want to hurt him so he runs away so I can’t hurt him or myself. So he knows not to trust someone like me again. But I don’t want to hurt anyone i fucking hate being like this I feel like I’m completely disgusting and unlovable because of this idk.
To be honest, this can't be described with just the word obsession or crush. This is something more complicated. It would be good to work with a real psychologist so that in the end you don't hurt yourself or him first. But if that's not possible, you should probably make a list of what you want and what you don't want. And then maybe your feelings will become clearer.
The desire to harm someone is not okay anyway, despite the intentions behind it, so try to keep it down.
I could stupidly advise you to confess these thoughts to him, but there is a chance that it will end badly.
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