Hello all, I've been having PTSD nightmares from a toxic friendship situation; this friend and I had a huge fallout. Last night I had two back-to-back dreams about them. I wish it would go away. In my opinion, I really didn't do anything wrong, but the dreams feel like they're saying something else:((
The first dream I had was them hanging out at Walmart with our mutual friend. They spot me and say, "I am going to beat her ass". I start going off on them and yell at them to put their hands up and square up, and they don't; they just look at me sadly.
The second dream I was at the lunch table (idk why I go to college now; we don't have lunch tables like in high school). Mercedes from Glee was there?? I had said something jokingly mean to her, and she flipped out. Then, after we calmed down, I made a funny joke about Lana Del Rey, and this ex-friend laughed a little and said my joke was good.
is this what I get for missing my Zoloft?? I feel a lot of guilt because I was not the best friend to ANYONE my freshman year. I also wasn't my best self:((I was saying and doing things I really shouldn't have, and I feel so much guilt about it because THAT'S NOT WHO I AM!!
I know I can blame my environment and being immature and trusting the wrong people in my early late teen years, but it's still on me. I just feel so icky, and this friend made me feel icky especially when I would reach out for help and open up.
They told me to remain friends; I had to stop taking my Zoloft (the only thing that helps me). Then switch my therapist within the week. WHAT THE HELL!? Mind you, this WAS NOT RELEVANT to what we were arguing about. The argument was because I paid them 100 dollars to drive me from my house to the airport to get my at-the-time GF and take us to our Air BNB the do the same thing in reverse. THAT WAS ALL. It was supposed to be a big birthday celebration because we were all born in July. Both of them at the end of the month (when the trip took place). I was born at the beginning of July.
My at the time gf had a lot of issues and our relationship was rocky so after she left, I confided i this friend about these issues and they told me I had disrespected them and put them in a dangerous situation. Mind you, nothing my ex did was violent at the time of this incident. Then my old friend got another one of our friends at the time (who TURNED OUT TO BE A PDF WITH 3 FELONY CHARGES) to call my hypocritical and codependent.
Then I texted out friends about my side and they understood both sides but them this friend I was fighting with ended up saying I was trying to dilberately make them look bad even tho I would defend them to anyone who said any harsh thing. Then they blocked me. We unfortunately only have one queer space on campus so I have to see them sometimes and I feel really upset and triggered because how our last conversation ended was them telling me "your life will be fucked if you keep fucking with me".
I feel like I don't deserve to be an activist for my community or speak up because of this person. I feel like I am not worthy of kindness or love. I feel evil. I don't know.
They truly saw me at my worst, and I feel guilty about that, but I also saw them at their worst and I was willing to love them no matter what. I am just hurt I guess.