Okay so this will be long so buckle up!!
(This is like my brain throwing up everything unfiltered so it'll be a mess)
Ive been stuck in the same grade for two years very normal for us here because I failed myself on purpose to get bettergrades to enter a better college and all it did for me was give me horrible mental health issues and at one point I even got diagnosed with AA also lost so much weight I reached 45 which is maybe 20 kg under the weight I should be walking skeleton
also very very frequent panic attacks couldn't leave the house without havign one of thoes I reached the actual low of lows because my self image depends entirely on my grades which is stupid ik it's stupid like if I don't get good grades I think I'm dumb and stupid and what not even when I do try my best and try to study so much.
So what happened was I went from an A plus student and a student who can easily pass without trying that hard even sometimes study two hours before my exsams if I didn't feel like studying or was sick or what not and then go to my exsams and pass easily that was before last year when I actually locked in and was getting amazing grades until I got scared of going to exsams which caused me to repeat and I thought repeating would give me a better chance since I kenw I'd get 70 - 80 (mostly terrible self doubt) and now I somehow cannot pass my finals? I can't study? Looking at books terrfies me sometimes when I do look at books it's like I can't read what's on there I sound dramatic but these two years I genuinely got so fucked in the head because of it so
And now im having acrisis sort of I'm procrastinating exsams are in a week or so I'm studying yes but also so fucking terrfied and anxiety is eating me alive I don't want to burden my family with these thoughts neither do I my friends and I'm trying to fix it with anti depressants (prescribed!) And they aren't doing their thing also I have adhd so focusing is like ?? And also socials have fried my brain attention spam is at its lows so now I sit and feel like a failure that it's all my fault that I've wasted TWO years of my life I've started studying since summer twenty four it's winter twenty six.
Did I just waste that many years? Am I going to be weird if I go to college at twenty?? I feel like I'm missing out and I'm a freak for taking so long and I feel so dumb and stupid even though I was supposed to be smart? But wss even ever smart?
Now itd be normal for peopel to take gap years before college but ive been actively studying for two years so it just makes it all worse
(GUYS ALSO I DONT THINK IF YOU GOT TO COLLEGE AT 20 THAT UR A FREAK) I'm just overhtinking my whole situation my mum keeps joking about marrying me off which isn't helping I still rmeber the day of the grades and I rmeber seeing them I genuinely could not breath my sister had to help me breath because I just couldn't I was in so much shock that I needed up going numb for awhile after felt like everything wasn't worth it
Im not even sure the last year has been so dark and sad and nothing is working out for me and college seems so far away like maybe I am just too dumb for college but I know am not but ism???
I dont really know anymore I've been bedrotting like hell I've a fucked sleep schedule which I think makes it worse I can't talk to my family about it because they have so much on their shoulders already my sister has her job my mother has her own job and college goinf on I feel like such a burden and they keep telling me to pass and it's not like I can't control it because I studied really hard and it's so fucking heartbreaking knwoing I used to ace my exsams on these exact same subjects and now I'm just a failure I genuinely don't know what to do lol
Usually November is very festive for me because its my birthday month and i usually plan my birthday and get my nails done and buy a cute outfit and plan every detail but i dont even want to celebrate it I feel so I don't know ashamed in a way? Like wym I'm turning 19 and I'm like.. still in hs just a big loser.
