090826 - staredatmyreflectiontoolong thoughts

I made a mistake this morning.

When carelessly pulling clothes from my drawers, I failed to notice what I had pulled out, and now as I stare at my reflection, my 14 y/o self stares back.

I’m not fond of my past. I wish it would stay that — past. But the more I linger here and eye myself, the more resemblance I see.

It scares me, how little I’ve grown these past years. While I’m definitely taller, definitely more physically mature, and definitely need a haircut, I’m still the same scared boy I was 3 years ago.

I remember when I bought this shirt. I had found it at a thrift store. I was ecstatic. It was the first clothing item that truly felt like me, if that makes sense. Looking at it now, that still rings true — though much more ominously. Am I still the person I was when I first wore this?

I’ve tried to improve. Tried to drag myself out of this pit. Every time I do, I catch myself and fall back in, left with even less energy and drive to try again. I’ve started to give up. To let myself fall in. If that’s where I’m naturally headed, then so be it.

What a downer haha. Anyways, I’m working on a Noelle Holiday cosplay for an upcoming con. I might not finish it in time, so I may have to use my backup Ema Skye cosplay. Not really complaining x