09/11/2026 talking to myself lol

go on, caress my face

kiss me with your dirty lips

i want all of you, but you want none of me

recall the time i held your open wounds, your fucked up words ringing through my small head as your hair cascaded down my face, soaked by tears and mucus

i should have left you there that day, as you left me bleeding on my porch on that exact day on that exact time whatever many years ago.

"but oh, vast ocean

run as fast as you can toward the noise!"

we could have left that day, you cowered in fear under the scrutiny of that snake-eyed man

i was the one who reached directly into your pulsing center when the rest of the world looked away with their stomachs turning

you fell upon my chest and my hands trembled with fear, i should have said something to you, but your body convulsed with laughter the moment my eyes met yours

you noticed me, staring you, wanting to kiss you, wanting to keep you

can you smell the sour iron of the porch step where the wood is still stained a dark, blunt brown where you let me drip?

you didn’t even look back to see if i was still breathing

you just went inside, washed your mouth out with tap water, and left the back door unlatched so the flies could get to me before the paramedics did

but somehow, i still wish you were back here wanting to press that same dry mouth against my neck, expecting me to forget the way your teeth clicked against my teeth when you were shaking from his threats

you say the same three things every time the weather turns cold

you have to turn my image into a joke so you don’t have to think about the fact that i would have carried you across the county line on my back if you’d just asked me to

you’d rather drown in two inches of his spit than swim in the ocean i offered you

a lifetime ago, your sister called me to ask if you were still "alive"

i lied for you 

i told her you were asleep in the other room, your head on a real pillow, your belly full of warm food

meanwhile, you were five miles away in the back of some stranger's civic, your teeth vibrating from whatever chemical you used to block out the sound of your own pulse

i spent that whole night washing my face in the bathroom sink, attempting to wash out the puddle of guilt that hid beneath my chest

my stomach churned at the sound of my own thoughts

i weeped and beat my hands against my own head because i could not deem myself worthy of anything less than death

our bond is not a "red string"

it is an old wet wool blanket we pulled over our heads during the first storm, and now the mold has grown so deeply into our hair that we can't take it off without losing part of ourselves in the process

i know your mother's maiden name only because it is the word you choke on when the air cuts out in your throat and you cannot speak.

bless your busy head, daniel.