(09/15/26) Dealing with Loss

On Thursday last week, my grandma died to covid. It was so weird and sudden, I didn't even know she was sick. When I found out, my first thought was who even gets covid anymore? It's a weird first reaction to a loss, especially to someone so important to me. It's my first time losing someone so close, I guess I just don't know how to react yet. It's still weird to think about. Sometimes it doesn't feel real, like I'm in a dream that I'll wake up from, and everything will be fine. And when I have those moments, and I realize it isn't a dream, I get a sickening pit in my stomach, like I'm about to throw up. I still haven't cried as much as I thought I would. Maybe it just hasn't fully hit me yet. But man, I'm crying writing this right now.

Fuck, this is really hard to write.

She was probably the sweetest person I know, a beautiful and creative soul. She was passionate about painting, especially watercolors, and did some of the most beautiful works I've ever seen when she was in her 20s and 30s. She babysat me often when I was little, throwing tea parties for my dolls and going along with whatever game I would make up. Thre was a park by her house that she would take me to all the time. We'd go on walks near the wetlands, and I'd point out every little "waterfall" I saw. A few years ago, her memory started to fade little by little. But even when she would end up talking herself in circles, she'd remember my name and that I'm her grandkid, and that I loved playing with dolls. I remember about a year ago she said she'd started taking piano lessons, and she loved it. It kept her focus and her hands coordinated. She wasn't the best, but man, I wish i could hear her play again.

I was going to write more but I can barely see my screen through teary eyes now, I think it's time to stop.