#1

I have schizophrenia and tics and it's pretty hard living with these things my schizophrenia plays a huge part in my life seeing things and not knowing if it's real or fake I struggle a lot I feel like its getting worse yet honestly I can't tell anymore I used to be able to tell if something was fake or real now I'm not sure what so ever I thought for awhile I was having hallucinations of someone staring at me from my old neighbors apartment why I say old is I know no one lives there anymore I remember them moving away so I really thought I was just having a hallucination yet one night two of my friends came over it was pretty late in the night creepy shit just started happening left and right whistling out my damn window and weird music it was really weird yet when we would poke are heads out my bedroom window it all kinda just stopped that's also around the time I started pointing out the apartment and just saying how I see things in there I just thought it was normal because there was no way it could be real yet when one of my friends saw something moving in the inside I wanted to just curl up and never be seen again we took photos on my small camera and our phones it felt so unreal to see what we saw and more so we got proof someone was in there we left my apartment around sun rise and left to my friends house to take the photos out my camera we made a whole thing we also looked into the apartment from the windows as we were leaving we took some photos of that to yet it makes me wanna throw up thinking about what was on the ground of the down stairs floor dried up blood and one single chair facing a very large trashcan this happened around a month ago I still feel sick whatever that thing is it puts fear into me I now keep my curtains closed 24/7 yet I still feel some weird way I cant explain it this feeling I have I have never felt before yet it clings onto me I know its most likely still there but staying away from the window makes me feel some what better kinda not really when I have to walk back to my apartment by myself at night I feel like someone is going to grab me or the feeling of being watched fills my body I hate it when I'm alone in my house it also puts fear in me when I get this way my head jerks painfully causing so much pain in my neck I hate tics or what ever people wanna say it is i just wanna be normal is that so hard to ask for? is it too much to ask for when I say I just wanna feel somewhat safe? I keep thinking about calling the police yet I'm too scared the police put fear also into me online I seem perfectly fine yet I'm so full of fear I don't know what to do when I hangout with people I can get away and forget just a bit then when I'm alone the fear comes back typing all of this feels dumb but its better then breaking millions of pencils from pressing on the paper to much 

I just wish I felt safe when I'm alone I wish I didn't have schizophrenia I wish my head didn't jerk itself around and put me in so much pain I just wish so much yet I know these things won't go away it might seem stupid to post this but I'm going to anyway makes me feel a little less alone.

                                                                                                                      -Kalissio