10:01, Oct 11th

I think the reason I wanna die is because I'm so angry, all the time. I say I'm not all the time, but the truth is, I'm so very upset. I always see my friends getting along with people so easily without struggling, like it's second nature. But, I'm stuck being this weird, quiet person who is unsettling. 

I say things wrong, either I'm beating around the bush or I'm too blunt, too emotional, not emotional enough. "Are u okay?" or "U seemed upset today," ever echoing words in my head. Even when I'm okay I stop and think, "Am I okay?" My tone was off or I keep repeating things so I'm annoying now. 

"Careful you don't wanna be like [insert friend we dislikes name]" when I make a passing comment is the worst thing to experience. It's not even a funny joke, it's just degrading. If you don't like someone why 'warn' me by saying that instead of asking me to stop. This has been told to me multiple times with different people and different peoples names and I'm starting to think maybe my friends just don't like ME.

I think the reason I'm so sad is because of all of this, all of the work I need to do, the words I hear behind my back, the passing comments or 'jokes'. 

I just want my older siblings or my boyfriend. They're the only ones I can complain wholeheartedly too without any judgement. Everyone else says I'm 'too mean' or 'maybe they didn't mean it that way,' or try to give me advice on how to deal with it when all I want is an ear to listen and nod too, not a voice of opinion. I feel so selfish and ignorant to complain about things as trivial as these, but I don't feel remorse.