10:21pm, Nov 9

I'm in this constant state of craving substances that I've never tried lately. I crave alcohol like I've had it before. Like I want to destroy my body just to feel something. 

Lately I have just been feeling so intensely sad and tired no matter how much or how little I sleep. 

I want to tell people but it seems selfish to constantly talk about myself and expect no help. Because most people talk to get help, but I jsut want reassurance and silence. 

I'm always overwhelmed and want to go home, I crave lying in my bed and sleeping the days away. I just want sleep. 

The constant fighting in my house to love and affection doesn't help, my parents are always arguing and calling eachother names. It hurts too see it because I just want parents who love eachother normally, why does it have to be fighting then loving. 

Why can't it just stay happy. 

I always expect the worst in my house. I brace myself before walking in, always being yelled at or seeing my parents yell at eachother. 

I feel like a little kid, it makes me feel insane. I try to understand their reasoning on why they act the way they do but there is none. I don't see why they stay together and claim they "love eachother" while arguing, saying that they hate eachother.