2 am rant thing

Firstly, look at this picture of Hayley Williams-

Just a bottle of whimsy. This has nothing to do with the post; I just really like this picture.

As the caption says, it's 2 in the morning. I have a suitcase barely packed and a bunch of clothes on my bed that I washed earlier. It's been like that since 5 pm yesterday. Now I'm here, supposed to be sleeping. I have a trip to Canada soon on a day that I can't remember. Thursday or Friday? I don't know; I want to be packed before either day. I have a bottle of Full Throttle in the fridge that I've been wanting to down since I got it on Sunday. This still has nothing to do with the actual post.

In 12 days, less than 2 weeks, I start my senior year of high school. I've been trying not to care about it too much, but it's hitting me now: this is my last year of high school. This is what I've been told would come sooner than I'd imagine it would, and it's here, and I can't avoid it. Part of me is excited to "run the school," be the top dog with my friends, and guide the total newgens through their next few years of bullshit. But another part of me is fucking scared. I don't feel totally ready to move on. College is obviously next. After years of debating it, I decided I'll go and use whatever luck got me into the NSHSS and honor classes to get a scholarship, and all that smart people shit. It's weird. It's weird knowing that I'll be an adult in a few months, and then I'll be done with high school a few months after that. I feel more prepared than I did before, thanks to having older friends in my local scene who aren't that much older than me. It made the concept of graduating less scary to me, and they show me that I can be in college and still enjoy things I love, like making music, playing shows, and hanging out. 

I've been circling back and getting into the bands I loved my freshman year again, with a much deeper appreciation since diving into emo/punk/alt subculture. I adore Paramore more than ever, but to be honest, I've liked Paramore since I was little. 

I thought I'd be taller, more mature, and maybe a bit cooler by the time I reached my senior year, when I was a freshman, and part of that's true. I'm a little taller, I'm definitely more mature, and I actually learned how to dress, so I guess I'm a little cooler. I'm everything 14-year-old me wanted to be. I'm in a band, I have a girlfriend, I have cool friends, and I'm much better at guitar, but there's still so much I regret doing and feel embarrassed about. But at the same time, if I didn't do those things I regret, I would've never matured, right? I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't fuck up old relationships or move schools, or make the mistakes I did. 

If anyone reading this is going into their freshman year and feels like they won't be able to make it through, your parents probably say it all the time, but it's going to fly by fast as shit. I barely remember my freshman year, and it was only 3 years ago. The things I do remember are the memories, both good and bad. Learning how to skate with my friends, my first relationship, and how badly it ended because of my stupidity, the drama, etc. Make those memories. Go out, try to have fun, and get comfortable at your new school. No- there's no "Freshman Friday," you're not going to get bullied by the seniors, and it's nothing like the movies. You'll be okay. 

Thanks for reading this. If you did, there's really no goal or message in this post; I just needed to put my words on a page.