2 days into school and im already suicidal

the moment school starts all the confidence i had in myself vanishes bc i have to talk to new people and be surrounded by people and for some reason i always get stuck in the worst classes...

i am a very shy person and i can barely muster the courage to talk to ppl online. talking irl is a death sentence to me unless they're rlly friendly and are reaching out to me or im just feeling daring that day so i decide to speak to someone, but i struggle to start conversations. my whole life is like a humiliation ritual. everything i do is so awkward and embarrassing it makes me want to die. u guys dont even understand how much of a dork i am its insaane. u guys know the pain of having a class full of people talking and having fun with friends and then ur the only mf staying silent. it makes me kinda mad that im so shy, bc im definitely not quiet with my friends and i dont know why i cant just be as confident and loud and funny as i am with the people i know on a daily basis but whatthefuckever. i feel like a loser bc im silent in the corner of the room DRAWING.. I LOOK LIKE SUCH A DORK.

school makes me so fuckig self conscious its crazy. bc the day before school, i felt completely fine with how i looked. i wasnt worried, i thought i looked normal, i thought i wasnt going to struggle with talking to people. then after the first school day i feel like im 5000 pounds fatter than i actually am, or at least compared to every other girl. this also makes me mad. i constantly think to myself, "why should i care? why do i need to care what everyone else thinks of me? this is stupid, i need to let everything go." and then the next day i just feel so horrible and terrible and seen and self conscious and i to

tally contradict myself. i dont even understadn it.... yall tell me u relate. 

spanish makes me so nervous. i'm billingual and salvadoran, my parents speak only spanish and its the language i speak at home, but i always speak more english than spanish so im still not really as great at it as a person who actually grew up n a spanish speaking country would be. but i got fucking spanish 3, which is the most advanced and like of course i got into it bc its my language but everyone else in the class like is ACTUALLY fluent and grew up in a spanish speaking country and knows more spanish than english and be saying words i dont even know the meaning of. it makes me feel so whitewashed even tho im not.... like, the teacher is nice and im sure she'll help me bc that's what she's here to do, and the class isnt too hard right now, but i'm scared ill just look stupid because i dont know basic things in spanish. im probabky going to be ok tho, i must just be nervous.