(2) Notes From The Sidelines

TW: ((Mental health/suicide)) ⋆⭒˚.⋆⋆⭒˚.⋆

A bit of a small one, But I finally finished that assignment I was procrastinating on^^
If you haven't already I heavily recommend you read my first entry in this series, Thank you ♡ 

On my 21st Bday I wanted to take my own life WOW what a way to jump into something!!!!!

It's still crazy to me that it happened. I've had suicidal ideations for a good chunk of my life. Obviously nothing came out of it, and I am here today.

My 23rd Bday happened not too long ago, September 3rd (Ironic that my bday falls on the same month of suicidal awareness) and i've definitely had a lot of thought going into this one. Mainly the fact that i've proved to myself that i'm having a harder time adjusting to "adulthood" than I'd like to admit and the fact that at 23 I have nothing to show for how far i've come. These things shouldn't even be bothering me as much as they do as I've never actually celebrated my bday up until a few years ago in secret and only online w friends. (again mainly because of religion) however, its still hard to ignore the fact that a year has passed since being born y'know? 

This year was different.

The hours leading up to midnight, I was up with my boyfriend because it's hard to sleep when you have a lot on your mind. another year passed, and you're still stuck. I cried a lot. emotionally drained. I felt stupid because I was embarrassed letting something like my bday bother me so much, I kept telling myself its just another day I can ignore or pass as a normal day. But my head was so fixated on the fact that another year was passing. Another year where I felt i'd be better off dead because of how bad things have been for me.

A few minutes before midnight I opened a package that had been sent to me by my boyfriend and his grandma (bless her heart), they were the only two people who celebrated my bday with me for the first time. And thats what finally made me calm down. to know that i'm loved and cared about to that extent. I only stayed up a few minutes before going to bed. And it was a comforting feeling. To be seen. 

It's true i'm getting older. It's true i've not figured it all out yet. But I also know I have people rooting for me. and that's enough to keep me going.

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For Suicide Prevention Month, check on ur loved ones ♡ 

Dedicated to my BF and anyone who struggles, I see you ₊˚⊹♡