20/04/26 ENTRY #5

(vent tbh)

Good morning fuckers. I havent done much today or yesterday. well i am writing this omw to school so idk. imma beg this one guy for more snus cause i got 10 bucks and maybe he'll gimme a monster fr. idrk. schools pretty boring today so i brought some acrylic markers to go out and vandalise afterward. because why not. im really tired tho, not physically but like i hate this. having some mix of disorders hurts my brain. because wdym i feel nothing but then i just start crying cause i miss someone? bitch what. i genuinely hate myself for that. i dont wanna feel it, cant you just like lemme be ptsd?? fucking hell. its getting worse and worse tbh. i havent eaten properly in days, if i eat i gag and throw up. i cant keep it down and thats pathetic asf. i spent like 1h throwing up yesterday because i ate some POPCORN. popcorn yo. idk what tf is wrong w me. parents still havent noticed. or cared. i feel like the love they give me is money. NOT THAT IM COMPLAINING like ffs thats great. but theyve Somehow managed to ingrain it into my head that ill get in trouble for wasting money, therefore i feel a concept of guilt. mostly out of worry for myself. but its confusing at times. idrc if they dont give me love or care because i dont give em any and thats rather convienient given the state of my life rn. for an example of what my life is like— i layed in moss for 2h yesterday, drunk off rum or sm idk.