(3) Notes From The Sidelines : EDUCATION

TW: ((Mental health)) ⋆⭒˚.⋆⋆⭒˚.⋆

We are entering the end of September, I get anxious nearing the end of the year as I feel i've accomplished little. Theres still time left to do something productive I hope, I was looking for job listings when the idea for a new blog hit me! Here is a image of Dayan cat, as it really spoke to me! 

I recommend reading my other blog entries although it's not necessary

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I posted my first bulletin today! Job hunting has been a nightmare for me and that says a lot as i'm already 23 years old. and i've only ever worked one job (technically) in my entire life for a little under a year as a pizza delivery driver. if you've read my other blogs you'll know that I went to community college right out of High school. You would also know about the fact that I feel stuck in life despite being promised a better future through higher education...

I graduated college! it's true! I got my AA in science in hopes of getting into DMS (diagnostic Medical Sonography) that was the plan at least for longterm. But now i'm realizing I was kinda stupid for going into this unprepared and unknowingly. Especially kids like me fresh outta HS w/o a know in what they wanna do. I just saw "wow it pays well so I should do this" and went for it. The stress of college, the unmedicated/undiagnosed issues I was going through and other factors caused me to underperform in the beginning. and no one told me, warned me, or prepared me for the repercussions this would have. It's not easy to say a lot of it was my fault either, I went into this alone technically. came out of it alone too. and only now do I realize how stupid that was of me. 

I went to see a school counselor the other day after ab a month of graduating from college. asked what I do next now that I got my degree. to cut a long conversation short, she pretty much told me "Don't get your hopes up" which is the "nicer" way of saying yeah you aren't getting into the program. That was a tough thing to hear after putting so much time into an degree, but I guess I half expected to hear it considering my grades regardless of the issues I faced, the colleges, schools, everyone, only care about what they see on paper. they don't care if you struggle...

If community college wasn't gonna cut it, I would look elsewhere. so I looked into private & trade DMS programs. I thought I had found the one! promised me everything I wanted + some more stuff!! The problem about private colleges & trade schools is they come at high prices and are a gamble on whether they're legit or not... I looked into it and seemed like a lot of negativity from the students who have gone there. it scared me. and I've opted out from trying to attend that school.... It sucks. and I was heartbroken because I was excited about getting right into it. Im frustrated and depressed because I feel like I have an AA in science thats rendered useless all because these schools wont accept me. it's all my fault, I was stupid.

I have the knowledge in medical science so I may as well look into doing something science related. I tried to do phlebotomy, the idea came up because my younger sister did a 8 month phlebotomy program after she dropped out of college. She says she loves it and recommended it so I gave it a try. My parents got me cheaper classes elsewhere (not the same classes my sister did) since I was already in college. and afterwards both my sister and I recognize that was the worst school I could have attended as they barely taught me anything... another cash grab... thousands of dollars we don't have. Ive failed the state test for phlebotomy 4 times now already. It's really discouraging.. It's all my fault, I didn't try hard enough, I don't want this hard enough. 

I've been feeling more depressed lately, unmotivated, and like a burden on my family and friends. It feels that despite trying so hard in terms of education I feel like I have nothing to show for it. and its caused me to feel so stuck and horrible because how can everyone else figure it out but I cant? Everyone else tells me not to compare, but it cant be helped in my situation. 

Still I refuse to give up.  I look into more programs that interest me and maybe I can do something, even if its small to start. I am frustrated because things didn't go the way I had planned, i'm older now and I feel i've accomplished little from the amount of time i've wasted. but I am also now wiser, I want to use my experience to figure things out in a way that will work for me. Even if I can never get that time back. Now I look into other programs and certification in hopes of figuring out my future. My sister, whom I mentioned earlier, has found a passion in something she never thought she would. My boyfriend, who's own physical issues caused him to not be able to pursue his original dreams, also found a passion for something new he didn't expect at first. I look forward to when its my turn.

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I hope my blog didn't scare people who are looking to do college or ARE IN college.. haha! this experience isn't the same for everyone, but I hope it teaches that you should go through things alone, especially college... get help. Trust it will save you in the long run. do research and make sure you go into things with great understanding! I believe in you, and I know you can accomplish great things ^^! ♡