3am: obsessive thoughts about my disdain towards the evangelical church has desiccated my sleep hygiene

this will hopefully be a shorter post seeing as it’s 03:30 in the morning but it’s either get this stream of consciousness out or toss and turn for eternity. talk about limbo.

speaking of limbo, the only thing keeping me from frantically pulling out one of my two different copies of dante’s inferno and deciding to scribble all over the insides of it right about now is the fact that both of them are currently on the other side of the country. disappointment comes in clutch sometimes now doesn’t it.

holy fucking shit i cannot stand the sensation of feeling like my prefrontal cortex is being ran through a paper shredder because i can’t make sense of whether or not my thoughts and beliefs about the actions of the american evangelical church truly track and are viable or if my brain is just taking bits and pieces from my research in order to affirm itself? either way i don’t think it matters in the end because if anyone tried to tell me that i was wrong in any capacity i would probably assume them to be systemically complicit in psychological warfare and/or grossly ignorant and oblivious. 

i have dedicated my entire “career” (if you can call it that since i’m still in academic training) thus far as well as my future to dissecting christian influence across the world down to the fucking atoms. when it comes to MODERN (need i stress this enough, i am not talking about the entirety of recorded history) organised christianity, few things disturb me more than the evangelical church’s influence on the united states, a country that is constitutionally supposed to practise church-state separation and religious freedom. 

of course freedom of choice is a fucking illusion that’s just common fucking sense but i myself along with most decently literate people probably all agree that it should be a human right to choose to do and be what we want without being coerced and pressured in our most vulnerable moments to stitch ourselves into a thoughtless mass amalgamation of hivemindry. 

i can’t stop thinking about it. for fuck’s sake, i recently cut a family friend i was close to since i was born as if she was my own flesh and blood because she thought it would be a fantastic idea to try and indoctrinate me into seeking jesus through fucking TURNING POINT USA after my father died. 

because it would “answer all of my questions about my dad’s death and more.”

 girl you CANNOT be serious.

and i know you might be thinking: ‘but vince, that’s YOUR personal experience! that doesn’t define the objective truth as a whole!’ i KNOW.

trust me, i know.

but it follows a very consistent and WELL DOCUMENTED PATTERN of evangelical recruitment/conversion methodology. once again although i don’t write my blog posts like fucking research essays in chicago style format i HAVE RECEIPTS FOR ALL OF THIS. just ask me if you want any of them. 👍

i want to make it clear, too, as a true believer in religious freedom being closely intertwined with church-state separation, i do not hold contempt or disdain towards anyone for any of their religious beliefs or spirituality or whatever they choose to follow. i do, however, hold a deep hatred for ANY sort of systemic institution built upon (in the most vague of words) oppression. the evangelical church just seems to be the most pressing issue my brain won’t stop fucking spinning around in my head like a loud ass pair of combat boots in a metal clothes dryer. 

i literally cannot tell if i’m just being crazy and subconsciously selective or what but no matter how much i try to see things from the perspective of the other side i genuinely can’t without it being indistinguishable from softhacking people’s brain circuits. what a damn paradox, too. you’d think i’m the fucking crazy one but then i’m saying i can’t see the perspective on the other side of the fence without there logically HAVING to be some sort of mental or emotional vulnerability to be invested in such a horrific institution.

but i am also speaking from a historically educated perspective; and i try to practise studying from mainly decentralised sources as much as possible while taking dives into skewed perspectives (on either ends of the spectrum) in order to further my understanding as well. that being said i’d love to have conversations/debates with real people on both sides, but i don’t exactly trust in peoples’ ability to remain cordial and respectful in a setting where their most sacred and personally held belief systems and what they’re tied to are being questioned or criticised. listen man, me too, i’m not gonna be a hypocrite and lie to you about how oh so virtuous and holier than thou i am (pun Intended) lol.

anyways, it’s fucking 04:04 now, so i should probably cut this off here. damn it, i need to learn my lesson. 

goodnight! ( ´ ▽ ` )