Howdy. I now that i’m back on my usual blog schedule. I don’t think any of my followers from spacehey have followed me here, but i’ve been using my blog to document my life leaving my abuser of 5 years.. euggh it still kinda irks me to write so seriously and personally but i feel like my story can help atleast SOMEONE who doesn’t realize their own situation, or have left it and don’t really know where to go after.
On spacehey i’ve written two HUGE blogs over my story, everything that’s happened, how it ended, hindsight etc. I considered reposting it here but i’m lazy.. I’ll link it here later..
Links to previous blogs
follow up right after with more context and details
okay NOW you’re up to date
ANYWAYS how has life been without this evil DEMON in my life anymore
good. my life has felt AWESOME. although i still just have this strong feeling uncertainty still. Not just questioning my decision to leave, but if this whole thing is really done. I don’t entirely trust that my abuser and his friends are actually going to leave me alone (along w their history of harassing me and my bf.. ESPECIALLY my bf…😭) My current strategy has been not feeding them at all with any possible situation where they have an excuse to contact me. I think it’s working pretty good (especially now that i’ve blocked them AND their alt accounts..) But i’m just NERVOUS. My abuser has a history of being mentally questionable along with their two close friends.. I don’t wanna get SLIMED OUT. 😭😭 hopefully if i just mind my business i’ll be okay.. and also i refuse to be seen anywhere near my super local areas.. like i am actually scared they’ll GET ME….. and the worst part is that i did nothin to em.
Aside from me being a scared wuss 24/7, i’ve been doing loads of reflection and just giving myself time to think. My shoulders definitely feel a lot lighter now that i’m not constantly fearing that i’m not contacting my abuser enough or what could be going on behind my back or just everything to do with them.
I’m glad I got out at the point in time that i did, when i was chewed tf out by him i was already over that stage of being platonically motherly head over heels over my sweet baby EVIL bestfriend. By the time we split, i had already started to realize how bad things have been this whole time and most of my grieving had already been over with the last 6-ish months since the INCIDENT…
i’m still losing sleep over it…… not out of sadness or betrayal anymore, but more anger now. I just get so upset at the fact that i never stood up for myself sooner, and the stuff i could’ve said, and how i had so many chances to stop this relationship before i got as bad as it did. I feel as though i’m just giving myself the illusion of choice. It was ALWAYS as bad as it was when i left, it’s just that everything my abuser did to me piled up more and more over time until i’d react more severely and be hurt more severely. Comparing now to then, i was emotionally abused just the same. I had never stopped caring for abuser like their life was on the line constantly, i was always rocking back and forth crying every day because i was worried i’d do the wrong thing and he’d k*ll himself and hate me forever (censoring just because i don’t think i WANT to type a lot of things.. even if it’s not that bad)
I’m also glad that i’m not in this weird cycle of hurt and craziness and sadness and it just going under the radar then back in my face. I don’t have to deal with being upset or jealous of scared anymore because he’s not in my life. awesomeeeee!!!!!!!
Since the big friendship breakup i’ve been extremely motivated and happy and ready to meet new people. It’s kinda strange. My abuser kept me away from making any real sort of friends for so long, and it got to a point where highkey i was socially incapable…. like i was INTENSELY scared of communicating with new people and when it came time to have conversation all i really knew about my either my abuser or whatever band i liked at the time. There was nothing else i was focused on other than them. Idk, now since i have so much more freedom i don’t shut up and it’s awesome >:) of course i think i am always a little socially anxious, now that i’ve gone out and done things and grown my interests and hobbies and seasoned up my life socialization is a piece of cake. (especially if you’re not so depressed all the time and you have the energy to talk to people..)
Now that i’ve been away from that whole setting of my abuser and his evil friends, the more i wish i just would’ve seen it sooner. EVERYONE was telling me, my boyfriend was literally telling me CONSTANTLY to drop my abuser and i thought it was rediculous. Or, well i don’t know what was going through my head really. I just know that none of my thoughts consisted of “Oh shit this dude is evil and a lost cause.” Of course i’ve talked about this in my other blogs as well, but It’s so hard to describe that thing that makes you stay. I genuinely just feel like everything could be fixed, and my abuser needed me. I didn’t want to hurt him by leaving me and i didn’t want to hurt myself knowing that he was hurt by something i chose to do. I can’t believe out of the hundreds of times i almost left him, not a single one led to me actually getting out and going to explore my own life.
I wish i left so so much sooner. Of course i live life with no regrets (life is strange taught me that LOL), but i do feel behind in a way. I spent literally majority of my formative years (right term? maybe.) spent on him. i’ve said all this before, but all moments in my life for 5 years belonged to him. i can’t look back at those “funny middle school memories” because there wasn’t a single moment that didn’t contain him. AND it wasn’t funny, it was just sad and life ruining. And even then i felt so behind. I felt like a loser piece of shit for so many years because i wasn’t doing the things he was doing, and he was the only person i surrounded myself with.. so he was my basis of typical cool teenager. I mean, in 6th grade i felt stupid and behind because i wasn’t drinking and smoking and doing drugs and havin sex. like that wasn’t normal. That’s not what a normal kid that age should be doing and if someone just told me that so many years ago, it’d probably save me a lot of mental everything.. and i probably would’ve hated myself less. Ironically now i’m strictly straight edge, and the main reason is that my abuser became so fucked up as a person, I’m terrified to ever become like him. of course it’s a little embarrassing sometimes being the only person who doesn’t do those things but yk, it’s for my own good so who cares..
Also for some reason now i’m getting recommended all this stuff about abusive relationships and signs and everything and all this now. WHERE was this when i was in this relationship??? I’ve learned to many signs when i should’ve left now..
especially realizing the importance of my abuser’s friends. i never really realized how he only liked to be around people who stroked his ego or enabled him. And his friends are exactly that. His stupid new bestfriend and his girlfriend. They just go with whatever my abuser said, and of course it’s extremely intimidating confronting three people as opposed to just one. The first time i had my HUGE crashout and tried to confront my bestfriend i crumbled and failed and ended up kissing his ass because i totally got ganged up on by his two fuckass friends.. and i totally got caught up in their constant deflecting. I realize that’s all they do, and it gets me EVERY TIME. well formerly, i see it now. they totally had me at a spot where they genuinely convinced me i was crazy and delusional and then deflect until i shut up and stop standing up to them.. real cute ☺️
that day after i attempted to stand up to them i ended up crying all day, and embarrassingly had to get pulled out of class by my english teacher…
although one thing she said stuck out to me, that i wish i listened to. She had a similar situation, her husband was an addict much like my abuser. She told me “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.” And i didn’t UNDERSTAND at the time. because at the time my abuser kept whining to me that he wanted to quit everything, but it didn’t occur to me that: maybe yeah he wants to quit, but he knows deep down he doesn’t want to give any of it up. I was so hell bent on just words and not what was under em.. pretty dumb but whatever
besides that, past is in the past. I’m more than happy that i got out of that hell or a friendship and if you think this could be you, just LEAVE. Even if leaving them hurts them or even you, there’s SO much more outside of that one person dude..
okay peace love bye i’m done ranting for now
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