7/7/26 i feel so weak sometimes

today was pretty average but there were a few standout moments. i spent the first half of the day on my laptop watching youtube, adventure time, etc.. then i went to my dads house (divorced parents, i know, shocker) n got sum stuff packed for a trip im going on tomorrow. my little brother has been really into boxing lately and he told me to come outside so i could watch him box our dad XD. it started out fun to watch but then i started thinking yo maybe i could have sum fun hitting my brother like this lolzz. when i offered to fight him, my dad got all wary which is understandable bcuz of course he doesn't want either of his kids getting hurt. but he told my brother to be careful with me and it started feeling so DEMEANING like he sees me as some fragile doll thats easily broken. i will admit, ive dealt with insecurities about feeling weak before bcuz im transmasc and its hard to feel strong bcuz so many people see femininity as weakness. but when i heard my own dad express how fragile he sees me it just dug this hole of insecurity deeper. im not fucking weak, so why do so many people think that? fuck, i guess i am chronically ill and that changes a lot of peoples view of me. i really did look weak, hobbling around on a cane all of freshman year. but im better now, i dont need a cane, and im certainly fine doing a playful boxing match with my brother who's years younger than me and way smaller. whatever. i still enjoyed playing with my brother, tho. honestly, i got punched in the face once or twice and it was euphoric as hell. maybe ill have a cool bruise or smth :P 

also, ive been thinking about making a layout for my blog specifically? cuz im probs gonna be doing this a lot and i'd like to be aesthetically pleasing, smth that fits my vibe. ill prolly do that when i get back from my trip (*^_^*)