8/19/26 - Untitled

I didn't know what to title this. It's just about how I've been feeling again.

I have been feeling nothing... Somehow that's negative. It's nothing but it feels bad? Idk how to explain. I feel lonely, too, and I keep telling myself that it's because I don't try to go out and talk to people, but I really do. I keep blaming myself for this and maybe it is partly my fault for being such an introvert but I wish that I didn't have to work so hard to just find social interaction. It's been this way since middle school. 

There's only one person that talks to me fairly regularly, and my other friends think they're weird. I don't really, not anymore. They had a big crush on my best friend in highschool and I guess he thought that was weird and then started to make fun of him and stuff but I don't hate him. He's really nice to me, we talk about drawing, he sends me his art before he posts it and stuff. I don't know if I have a crush on him or if I just feel good having attention, but the whole crush thing has been a recurring thought recently. It just sucks because if I do want to date him idk what my best friend will think, I don't want him to think I'm weird. I don't know what he'd do if that happened so I've just been waiting, not really acting on it. I know I shouldn't care what others think and shit because I should do what makes me happy, I usually don't gaf but right now for some reason I feel so insecure about it. I am NOT telling anyone close to me about this. I just find myself waiting forthe dude I might be crushing on to text me because I feel like an annoying little bitch if I text first but I feel like waiting is inherently more of a bitch thing to do idk☠️ fuckkkk

He's the only one that talks to me. My other friends don't really do it unless I'm talking in the group chat but sometimes I don't like talking in the group chat because nobody really likes the stuff I like. I share some of their interests like gachiakuta but whenever I try talking about something I like I don't usually get a response. This shit really annoys me sometimes though because I've never been the type to just not reply when someone is talking to me about something they like, I always listen even if I don't care about it that much. Maybe I'm asking for too much??? Idk. My own parents barely interact with me now and it sucks. I'm always the one reaching out for attention. They don't ever check up on me or anything because they're 'always tired.' we barely have food to eat at my house because we're poor but when I ask them if they have anything (since my parents don't want my psychotic grandmother that lives with us to use any of the things we buy, they keep stuff like bread in their room instead of the kitchen) they just get annoyed. I don't ever know if they do have anything so most days I just don't eat and it sucks because sometimes I go to bed and dream about eating and it sounds funny but it's really not funny. My stomach hurts all the time and there was a point where I was really underweight, I'm so scared that I'll get back to that point again. I'm trying to stop downplaying my situation because I used to just be like 'oh it's not that bad' but it lowkey is that bad..... 💔 

That's about it I think.