8/4/26 3:25a - actually had a nice day despite it all

had a doctors appoiontmet for a much needed med switch. i missed k-pins so much, and especially with my muscle tension and anxiety it is much needed. 

my doctor is 45 minutes away from me, and i don't drive. i usually get a ride, this time from my father. this was our first time riding in a car genuinely alone since my mom left us. i was admittedly nervous for the conversation. my mother, as soon as she could, enmeshed with me literally as soon as my little toddler brain was able to talk and process emotional thoughts and concepts. she used me as a friend and a therapist. my father has never been like this with me, so there wasn't any worry that he would do what my mother did, but it was definitely the cPTSD ✨

we had a great time together, we had great conversation. we talked our shared frustrations with the current state of the world and our hatred for fascism and capitalism. we made jokes, shared memories, and shared laughs. the drive reminded me i am very much my fathers child. i look just like him, and we share so many similar qualities. we do butt heads sometimes, but we're both so stubborn so it makes sense to me lmao - but we always make up.

on the way home, he asked me if we wanted to stop and get a slushie. when i was a single digit child, we lived right by a gas station/convenience store. my mother worked, my father was the stay at home dad. we would go on walks together to the store and get slushies and a pack of pizza pretzel combos. the fact we did that made my day. especially since him and i are both obviously going through it. 

i just cherish my father so much because he has been my only consistently reliable parent. i understand with my mother that there are... mitigating factors (undiagnosed mental illness, etc.) and i do have empathy for her. but i cannot allow emotional instability in my life anymore. and, quite frankly, the emotional incest she has put me through. it's not like i WANT to go no-contact with my mom. i just have been pushed to a point of no return. 

PHEW 😮‍💨😮‍💨 

sorry divas, i did not intend for this to turn into this long and deep of a postk, but i guess i needed to get it out. i have therapy tomorrow which i am legit itching for it to be time to go already... need to talk to my bad bitch of a therapist, she's not gonna believe this shit lmaooo

well anyway, k-pins and weed got me reflective and ready to attempt to sleep. 

i love you guys.