(8/9/26) idk why but I feel like ppl don't wanna be around me cuz of my disability

wow hi what a fun first blog post I'm so sorry :(

im sort of just gonna be thought dumping and I think this is more for myself than anything else so if you don't wanna read it no worries, and I'm sorry if this makes not a lot of sense since as I said I'm just thought dumping. yeah. idk.

so I know I've told my friends this before, mostly just one of my irls (if ur reading this, hi, ily bro /p), but it really sometimes feels like I get in the way of doing.. literally anything.

"wanna go out on a walk?" no, Im having a flare up and I'd rather preform a diy amputation

"lets go out and get food!" if its more than a five minute walk and includes hills or stairs, ill pass.. sorry

"hey look its nice out and we can go swim in the river do you want t-" you can.. but I'll probably just watch.. my shoulders cant take the current..

I try so so so very hard to stay like- optimistic and stuff ESPECIALLY when it comes to being disabled but man there's some days, sometimes weeks, where I genuinely want to lobotomize myself because of how miserable I am. and don't get me wrong I love going out and being around my friends but I feel like such a downer sometimes cuz I cant help but be vocal about my pain sometimes, especially when I'll go out despite knowing I shouldn't because my body hurts too much

AND I hate that my disability is one that worsens over time cuz wdym I'm a senior in high school and I should be doing all the senior things and I see other people my age biking and hiking and running and crap and I'm over on a bench trying not to tear up because OW MY HIP HURTS.

I feel like a fake cuz people are like "haha yeah ur young" and maybe I am overreacting? I don't know ppl say I'm valid but still it gets to me.

all my friends get to do stuff and I'm over here on the sidelines due to something that's not even in my control. Im dependent on an aid and I'm 17, so im so so so scared that it'll just keep getting worse over time and what if I end up wheelchair bound cuz that's how i feel I'm going which would make me even MORE of a pain to be around and accommodate for

sorry yeah I um I don't like being disabled I'd trade anything to have an able body.

yeah