a dissolution and a new solution ˖᯽ ݁˖

Hi, yes, another sad and depressing rant, but hey, it helps. I've been struggling for a while with my self-image a lot; as days progress, I've lost who I was and am. That to me is the scariest thing. Who am I without my smile or laugh or anything? It's a sad thought to think I don't really like to talk about suicide or thoughts of doing it, but I've been having thoughts of it again, and it's been scary. Overthinking thoughts about every single thing, and the only reason I'm here typing this and why I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. A scared coward of eyes looking into my soul to dissect me piece by piece or people who'll call me crazy or dumb or faking it. I've never been one to cower away, but I want to. Today was the worst of the worst mental days I've had. I don't have panic attacks, or idk what else to call them, but it happens, and then the thoughts—the thoughts always come after the silence. Terrible thoughts of thinking utterly lowly of myself, things I don't have the courage to mutter out loudly. I wanted to go somewhere, maybe a ward or a hospital, but I just wanted help so badly. I tried looking for a ward or a psychiatrist or something, anyone. I called a ward, and the guy... he helped me, and at that moment it meant something because he tried. He tried for me, my friends, and my girlfriend, whom I talked to and who talked me through the harsh, cruel waves of the storm in my mind. They helped me, they did. I'm trying to get better to get help. to go back to being me.

xoxo

D3ad