a little introspection

listen, i know its bad. I'm well aware, but i can't show these to anyone i know in real life, so i copied all of my little diary entries and gave them to ai for "analysis." that's at least what i said when typing in the prompt. I'm pretty sure any regular person would put me on a watchlist or 20 for half of the things ive said. It came back with some things i've never noticed before. I personally never considered these "writings" (because i'm not a writer) sophisticated or complex in any way, but apparently they are. I still don't think so though. they're not supposed to be. i think that wanting someone to see the things i write and react to them is deeply ingrained in me from my youtube-ial endeavors or whatever. so, i feel ive been holding myself back in what I wanted to say, because nobody's gonna see this anyway. 

I never understood diaries? this process isnt therapeutic for me because i hop off and im still the same guy. I havent improved, most of the time i just sink back deeper and deeper into whatever slump im in. It's honestly surprising because everytime i think things cant get worse, they do. Now im contemplating selling my shit because my bank account is sub 100. If i had no reason to kill myself before, one is starting to appear. im barely worth a large meal at mcdonalds.

one of the reasons i was selling my shit in the first place was because nobody was interested in it but me. I dont think anyone would understand how i feel, but i feel stuck-up saying it out loud. nobody seems to in real life, i probably need a therapist. but if i admit as such to my mom, id get "you're a child" "you have a good life" "you havent even really experienced x" "just wait till y" "Yada Yada z." Why does what i feel get invalidated by everybody else, but when i say as much, its like im being stuck-up and self centered. how does nobody care but everybody care at the same time, and why does nobody have any answers? maybe i should shut up. 

my music friends are really woke or fucking crazy. i've never told this here because i didnt know how the response would be, but this, aside from music promotion, was a really big reason as to why i use this account like i do. I was having a conversation about i person i liked who was nonbinary, but present themselves so much like a girl that i could really only perceive them as a girl. I still have troubles doing so, but thats besides the point. The conversation eventually delved into them asking if id date a trans girl. I said "probably not" but the only real reason is that, if we're dating, then eventually we'd probably try to crack, and my significant other have a dih would be a major turnoff. I dont know how to explain it in any other way except for that, but apparently, this was a very bad and ignorant thing to say. 

i say this here because i cant say it anywhere else: i still havent changed. id be dishonest if i said i never tried though; somedays i wake up and try to look at things from a new perspective like panic at the disco, but i always end up in worse conditions and it just ruins things for me. last saturday i literally expected everything in my room to be boxed up in preparation to move out because i didnt wanna drive myself to class. i hadnt slept all week trying to turn work in, just to get c's and b's and not any fucking a's at all in any class period. everything i do is for not, but i still attempt to do it.

i think that if i thought about everything all the time, id probably kill myself. apparently, talking about killing yourself all the time is evidence toward a passive suicidal ideation, but, thats just what i think about my life. i think everything will ultimately be worthless. I hope by the time im dust in the desert we've made some grand earth shield so that the planet doesnt get enveloped by the sun, but thats wishful thinking. we've done a lot, i never contributed to it, but we've done a lot. 

i missed my homecoming, i missed volleyball senior night, and i missed the subsequent campfire party thing at my school. instead, i stayed home and talked to some friends i havent seen in a while. am i a fucking bum? i hope my kid never asks me about my high school experience; actually, i think my child would probably be better than i was throughout my entire life. usually talking about death scares me, but not right now as long as i dont think about it too much. id probably die some time when he's in his 40s (or she, you never know), with nothing much to my name. this website will probably be defunct and all my heartfelt expressions would be deleted, just like the original myspace. i dont think ill read over this entry, i genuinely dont want to ruin my day. it will be ruined, just not by my hand.

does depression come in waves? i dont know why, but whenever in think about myself being depressed, it gives me relief, like "oh THATS what was wrong." I'll never know until i have enough money to pay for a therapist myself, but there's nothing wrong with speculation! (if it does though, thats probably what i have.)

i've talked about this before, but i really do miss my friends. I know, i know, 40 year old man reminiscing about high school analogy, but did everybody really just move on? i spent years with these people, and now only one hops on, and he has friends as well, he just values me enough to hang out.

a lot of my real life friends dont. im mostly a floater friend you can hang out with when your actual friends arent at school. let me tell you, i play the role perfectly. Not doing so got me excommunicated socially in middle school, so we live and we learn. I dont ask serious questions, i dont ask "why dont we hang out more?" anymore. i  just sit there and play like there's nothing wrong, and things are going great! nobody messages me after school, except for a new group of people i met (that are all girls,) and i dont message them either. 

apparently (which ive said a lot this time) my suicidal aspirations arent really about wanting to die, because i still do stuff, but more about relief from my current situation. I don't know, i kind of like the whole dying idea. I think ive said this before. but i feel as though that, on the off-chance i do something that gets really popular and big, i'd probably have some rare undiagnosed disease and just fucking die. if i kill myself, my death was at least in my hands. but i dont want to kill myself after finding out i have stage 5 cancer, because then it just seems like cope. 

I want to travel! people kill themselve a lot in japan. i dont really know why, maybe there's an asian guy typing the exact same thing i am on a japanese friendrewind. i think if i did become friends with him, though, that'd contradict the whole "lonely" narrative and me "being the only one to experience my life xyz." there's nobody like me, in either direction. there's people who relate to some of my experiences, but they've all helped themselves or received help. the guys who havent, like myself, are probably dead.

its a miracle people still try to send me friend requests on this website. i dont think they read anything i've made here. thats good, they probably should. 

sharing my stuff with ai kind of made me remember everything i think about writing about, but never do. in other news, my new huzz/almost girlfriend listens to me talk about pen spinning and pokemon cards. I know she isnt interested, but i was talking with her, and apparently she's jealous of how many hobbies i have. I dont know why anyone would be jealous of fucking pen spinning and yoyoing, but to each their own. She's super responsible, and pays for a lot of the things she owns with money from her job. I dont compare us to soothe myself, if i did, id probably end up expressing how i feel subpar and ruin things. what is she gonna do? quit her job to make me feel better? lol. i would get a job, but then that would take away from all the wonderful things i do in my free time, like contemplating the school work i have to do, sleeping, and overthinking embarrassing things ive done today. being with friends helps me forget, but they usually come back to haunt me, the embarrassing things. they always do. I'm not trying to sound attention seeking and nondescript, that's just genuinely what happens.

i still make music on soundcloud. my soundcloud and instagram name here are actually the same, but nobody's googling worldgothday to find this account, so im safe for now. I would never delete this, not for anyone possibly reading, just for myself in the near future. for once, i actually want a point of reference. I hold a lot of contradicting values, but im sure you know that. you, the person not reading this. i'd say my usual when ending these things, but (not) you probably know what im about to say. nothings left yet, but they're going to!