a long talk about life

life has been.. interesting lately. 
im not sure if im happy, depressed, or just idk man, manic? my mood switches so quickly, i could be the happiest person on earth then two seconds later im on the brink of suicide. 

my life is good for the most part, sure everything up to this point was very traumatising but right now its so calm. it scares me, the calmness. i am so scared its all just gonna come falling down, but i try not to think about it much. 

i dont really see a future for myself anymore. i mean i have my life planned out, i have dreams, i know what im doing when i grow up, but recently all that just seems like a nice dream and not something im actually going to live through or experiance. ive just accepted the fact that im going to be dead by the time im like 20. i guess ive kinda given up with living, i know ill kill myself one day. why do i think like this though? my life is going exactly like how i planned it everything is good and going my way so why? this is the best my life has been in forever so why now have i given up? 

i dont like talking to people, never have, but now i dont even like talking to my friends. i do enjoy their company, i love them they mean the world to me, but whenever i talk to anyone i get this feeling of dread and idk, guilt? maybe its because i know my relationships with them are fleeting and wont last forever. their all going to leave me one day. 

i have no reson to be alive right now. i know everyone will be fine without me, there are only two people in my life that will truly mourn me if i died. 

thats depressing. 

ive had some good happen recently that made me happy. someone complimented me the other day. they said they liked my hair. that made me really happy. 
i finished an art project i was working on yesterday. 
i got these cute socks with little fruits on them. i love decorated socks, theyre so cool. 
i tried doing some math yesterday in my free time and actually understood what i was doing, that made me feel really proud of myself.

life isnt that bad i guess.