a momentary lapse of...

time seems to routinely get away from me. i never feel like i have enough to accomplish anything. whether a responsible use of time or a purely leisurely one, there just never seems to be enough available. 

maybe it's a consequence of getting older that time becomes such a topic of fixation. when you're young, you think you have all the time in the world. i thought i did. but when i look back, i feel like all that time i had was wasted. doing thing x when i could have invested time in thing y. the ripple effects of coulda, woulda, and shoulda. what can you do? 

i feel like i've been so busy, but at the same time, i feel like i've accomplished so little. my time off doesn't feel like time off. my free time doesn't feel free. any spare moment just feels like catching up on moments lost. 

it can't be a constructive use of mental energy to think about these things, but as a chronically and lifelong anxiotic fuck up, i can't help but fixate on precisely the things that erode a sense of comfort. 

maybe not a cheery post, but it feels like letting out the pressure before it bursts. i'll try to better cherish the moments granted without responsibility, lest i waste them further with wanton worry.