a path forward

i vent on here way too much, but i'm deep in thought tonight.

i feel like i wasted my high school years away and that i'm running out of time. i had a small friend group in high school but it broke apart after we all graduated and other than them i was alienated. i wasn't invited to any parties. i never dated any girl there. i didn't live out the crazy high school years i envisioned for myself as a kid.

i began to feel depressed, to seclude myself. i began feeling like i was living in a world that simply wasn't meant for me. i felt helpless, defeated, and my mental health disintegrated. i was in an extremely poor mental state by the time high school ended and did a lot of reckless things i regret a lot.

then 2026 came, things began to look up. i finished a program so i would finally be able to get a job (have i mentioned i never had a real, paying job before?), i reconnected with someone i didnt talk to much during high school and we became good friends due to our shared experiences, and now being a legal adult, i began planning out what direction i wanted to take my life in.

but, i'm constantly left thinking to myself if that future is going to happen. i want to more somewhere else, first time being on my own, and try to get a job and probably college too. i would want to do college to experience the things i didn't in high school. but, is it really going to be that way? will i actually find my people?

of course there's no definitive way to find out until i actually go there, but my mind doesn't take that for an answer and tries to generate it's own answers. i feel very anxious about it and it's killing me.

my friend i mentioned earlier also wants to introduce me to his own friend group and therefore wants me to wait until i move away, and i would like to meet them. i learned on my years on the internet is that connections in real life are a lot stronger than those on the internet. i've been walked all over by a good amount of people i met over the internet, even if it's technically easier to meet people that way.

it's a feeling of belong that, yeah, i guess i did have before, but one i don't have now, and one that has been sparse throughout my life. one where i'm actually living a life where i truly belong instead of rotting away in my room. and i want to look on the bright side of life and to think all these good things are coming, but i set myself up for good things before just to get disappointment, and everyone is always blackpilling, so i can't be certain everything is going to work out.

regardless though, i have a pretty clear direction for the future, the next few coming years for me, i'm just on edge whether it's going to work out for me or not.