A quick vent

I'm scared of my mom. 

While I do respect and love her for taking care of my brothers and I all by herself, I think most of that is overpowered by a fear of her.

Back when I was younger, I always felt like she didn't love me as much as she said she did. She used to scream in my face, called me stupid and said I was useless. Even now, it still hurts to remember what she used to say to me. I know she was dealing with a lot back then and that she still is now, but I don't think she should've taken it out on me like that. I was only around four years old. 

Tonight, my brother was asking her if she could take him and my other brother to get school supplies they needed. She started yelling and all that, I don't want to recall everything she said. I'm assuming she was already sorta irritated since she had just finished buying drinks for my quinceanera and was just now getting home. Instead of being reasonable though, she screamed at him for a few minutes before giving in and going out to the car to take us. By then, my brother was in tears. He was crying and he was clearly scared of her, whatever she said had gotten to him.

He tried to tell her that they could just go tomorrow since she obviously didn't want to take them shopping anyway, but she had already made up her mind. He refused to come out of the house and when I tried to tell him to hurry up and go outside, he told me that he was scared because mom was so angry. 

Eventually, she came inside and started yelling again because he'd changed his mind and didn't want to go anymore. I went back outside to the car. From out there, I could hear my brother yelling in pain. He screamed so loud it made me tear up because I couldn't to anything about it without my mom getting mad at me too. I know she was hitting him, because he soon came outside and got in the car and I saw that he had a small cut on the side of his forehead. It was obvious that he was trying not to cry too much, especially since she was telling him to basically shut up and to "cry for her when she died" and all that shit. 

As the oldest sibling, I feel guilty knowing that even when I'm supposed to be responsible and protect my brothers, I can't even protect them from my own mother. It fucking sucks. 

Even after all of this, I still love her. She's raised me all by herself and she's always stressed about something. Even then, I think she could go about it a different way instead of hurting and yelling at us.

Sorry for blogging about a topic like this, I just felt like I needed to talk about it somewhere.