a rant about life

honestly, life has been feeling a bit shit lately and i don't really know how to explain it without feeling like i'm being dramatic. i think one of the hardest things is wanting to open up to people but not actually knowing how to do it. you want someone to understand how you're feeling, but the second you get the chance to talk about it, you either downplay everything or convince yourself it's not that serious and you should just get over it.

i've even tried to get a therapist because i feel like having someone to talk to would genuinely help, but it feels like i'm constantly being turned away because apparently i'm not struggling enough to qualify for help. and honestly, what are you supposed to do with that? just sit there and wait until things get worse before anyone takes you seriously? it's such a horrible feeling to finally admit that you need some help, only to feel like you have to prove that you're struggling enough to deserve it.

another thing is the constant lack of motivation to do literally anything. things i used to enjoy, like playing my guitar, can feel like so much effort, and even basic everyday things sometimes feel harder than they should. it's not even necessarily that i don't want to do things, it's that i can't seem to find the energy or motivation to actually do them. then i end up feeling guilty because i've done nothing all day, even though i spent the entire day feeling bad about not doing anything. it's such a frustrating cycle because you want to get yourself together, but you don't even know where to start.

and then there's just life in general. trying to make friends, trying to figure yourself out, trying to keep up with everything that's expected of you, all while pretending you're doing fine because you don't want to be a burden on anyone. sometimes i don't even know what i need. i just know that things feel harder than they should, and i wish i could talk about it without feeling guilty or embarrassed.

i think people underestimate how difficult it can be to open up, especially when you've spent so long convincing yourself that your problems aren't bad enough to talk about. sometimes you don't need someone to fix everything or tell you that other people have it worse. you just need someone to listen without making you feel stupid for feeling the way you do.

anyway, i don't really know what the point of this post is other than to get some things off my chest. maybe someone else feels the same way, and maybe it's nice to know you're not the only person trying to figure everything out while secretly struggling a bit.

does anyone else find it ridiculously hard to open up or get help when you feel like you're not struggling enough to deserve it? or struggle with having no motivation for things you genuinely enjoy? because honestly, i'm getting tired of feeling like i have to prove that i'm not okay before anyone will listen.