a vague recollection of my tulpa experience

i used to have tulpas. let's talk about it.

now to start, this is not aimed to target anyone i interacted with during this time. this is not a diss at my former bestie or anyone in the tulpa central discord server. with that said it is a diss at my groomer and some of the practices of the tulpa central community that i disagreed with. it would be a diss at myself, but i was a teenager who knew nothing of what she was doing at the time and was easy to manipulate.

first things first, my bestie. my former bestie was a trans girl who i first met on discord before both of our transitions. we met on january 30th 2022. i remember the exact date because it was very shortly after an incident in high school i'd had with two friends. to cut it short, i had fallen out with a friend who tried using blackmail as a joke on me two days prior. i do not know how they're doing nowadays. i did used to have them added on discord, but i cut contact after high school ended. i have cut contacts with my bestie as of last year of her own request, and will not name her out of respect. her discord has been deleted and her social media presence has gone silent for over half a year now. i do not know what's happened to her. i want her to know that she meant the world to me and she was the best friend i could've asked for.

it was shortly after me and her started talking that she informed me she had a tulpa. this is what got me into the idea of tulpas as a concept, and i knew nothing of what it was before then. i thought the idea of creating entities that live inside your head and talk to you was really cool, and even today i am ungodly jealous of the people with tulpas who fared better than me. part of my motivation was also because i wanted an anime girl to talk to (i was a fucking loser before i identified as a girl). i forget when i made my first tulpa, but i know that i had all of them in 2022. none of them survived past 2023 as far as i remember. two of them became ocs of mine in the future, and another i've wanted to partially reimplement into my sona. i had a fourth one planned, but i never finished her. all of them were female.

the tulpa central discord server was my main hangout place when i was in the community. if any members of the server are on here, then hi! i hope you guys are having fun! with that said, i didn't enjoy my time in this server and don't really look back fondly on it. they had very loose rules on slur usage and generally were kinda edgy as a whole. apparently the hosts of it are former 4chan users, which probably has something to do with it, and it definitely doesn't come from a place of hate, but i still am not very fond of that choice with moderation i imagine things can change in that time, and i may briefly return to see how things have faired in the 4 years since. another server i was in was tulpa train, a server owned by a member of staff in tulpa central. shoutouts to the owner, they were a cool person. i tried dming them but they don't have dms on. if they find this, hi! i hope you're doing well!

however, i was also an unfortunate victim of a groomer around this time as well. we shared the tulpa central discord server, and they were the prime reason i left that server besides the edginess. they coerced me into erotic roleplay and generally manipulated me from what i remember. they said they were 18 to me and asked me to call them prinz. they called me anthony. the name anthony has been soured for me since to say the least. i cut them off on october 30th that year. i'd informed the tulpa train owner, who was also a moderator in tulpa central, of this, and they made sure that prinz was banned from both servers. i have since blocked prinz and i hope i never see them again. if they find this, then hi. i hope you end up behind bars like you fucking deserve you goddamn pedophile.

ultimately, i quit having tulpas at the tail end of 2022 or the start of 2023 after multiple real life breakdowns caused by panic over how i thought i was supposed to handle my tulpas. my mum took notice of this and encouraged me to stop. she knew vaguely about me having them but didn't know too much besides their names. this led to an incredibly embarrassing moment while i was getting an injection where she said "do it for [tulpa name]!" and yes, this still makes me cringe to remember. ultimately, i think this decision was for the best and she made the right call encouraging me to quit. my tulpas only really caused my mental health to get worse. i was 15, horny, and oddly the healthiest mentally i've been on the internet at the time, and i thank god i made the choice to quit to avoid causing my health to get even worse. shortly after, i learned about what being trans was and made the choice to want to identify as a girl, and then, a few months later, i made the full decision to become me.

i hope anyone else in the broader tulpa community is faring better than i was at the time and living their best lives in that community. my tulpas were the last things left of the old me, and despite how much i hate my choice to have had them, i will remember them fondly as my final memories prior to 2023. i'm happy how i am.

🛁