adhd is literally ruining my life

helloooo,,,just wanted to vent for a second there :')

ive been diagnosed with adhd since I was 16 but because I grew up ( unfortunately ) and moved to the other side of germany ( LUCKILY ), I am unable to find a new psychiatrist to prescribe me adhd meds ;( and that totally honestly fucking SUCKZ !!! executive dysfunction is LITERALLY beating my ass, I can't even do the things I WANT to do. I spend more time doing things in my head, thinking about how I would do them and what I want to do to the point where I sometimes feel like I HAVE done them and feel exhausted as the aftermath. my life is falling apart around me because I just can't function correctly which in turn makes my depression SO much worse :(( I am failing uni, im a horrible friend because I never respond, I can't finish my license because I procrastinated and kept it off for too long, I am unemployed because I can't sit down to look and god forbid APPLY for jobs and I also still haven't taken care of getting the state support for students,,,im almost in my THIRD SEMESTER!!! my grandpa hates my guts because I don't do my things, my mum almost kicked me out ( AFTER I already moved out lmfao ) and I still can't do the things they ask of me. the more pressured I feel, the less inclined to actually do something I feel. you would think that my life crumbling before my eyes would get my brain to work but instead I just become increasingly suicidal and the more hopeless I feel. why should I care about anything if I don't do it anyway? I genuinely believe that everyones problems would disappear if I were to disappear ;((

anywayzzzz,,,that was it,,,for now,,,I need to finish my uni work that I -- u guessed right -- put off to the last possible second,,,

have a great day everyone !! ☆