Adult ADHD diagnosis at fecking 30

A lot of this will be repeated from my bulletin from the other day but, I want to have a blog just to always have it.

I came back from the library book sale, grabbed the mail before going inside and noticed that the letter my psychiatrist said they would send with my diagnosis came a week early. Walking to the back door I started to shake, I was so nervous that it was going to be negative and that I would be back to stage one. I KNEW something was wrong, that my anxiety wasn't just that, anxiety. I didn't even bother putting anything away, or even taking my boots off. I placed my bags on the floor towards my bedroom and opened the letter. I forced myself to read the whole thing, the analysis of all the tests I took. I'm not gonna give specific results but I will say the tests were:

Adult Self-Report Scale Symptom Checklist(ASRS-V1.1): Which consists of 2 sections A and B. Section A includes adhd predictive questions while section B includes extra symptoms that are in the DSM.

Beck Anxiety Disorder(BAI): Self explanatory. I will say I was surprised by my results. I'm waaaay more anxious than I thought. 

Beck Depression Disorder(BDI): Self explanatory. 

Achenback Adult Self-Report(ASR): 126 "self report questionnaire for adults (ages 18-59) assessing aspects of adaptive functioning and problems." It contains scores for anxious/depressed, withdrawn, somatic complaints, thought problems, attention problems, aggressive behavior, rule breaking behavior and intrusive behavior. and some other DSM symptoms. 

Brown Executive Function/Attentions Scales: This one is pretty long, it used to be for ADD but has been updated, different versions exist for different age groups. This test focuses on how much the problems are instead of how often they occur. It includes 6 clusters that get their own grade. (these are very very condensed to avoid straight up copying this)

Cluster 1: Addresses difficulty organizing, prioritizing and finishing tasks. 

Cluster 2: Focus. Sustaining attention and ability to block out random thoughts.

Cluster 3: Staying alert and engaged in tasks. People with adhd have trouble focusing for long periods of time or hyperfocus and forget everything else exists. 

Cluster 4: Managing frustration and other emotions. "symptoms of ADHD are not thought of as being closely related to emotional dysfunction, there is significant overlap" There is usually a difficulty to regulate mood, control impulses, and managing anxiety.

Cluster 5: Memory. Short term memory is pretty shit. (my least favourite symptom).

Cluster 6: Measures ability to make choices without acting on impulse.

I wont' be specific but god damn, I scored high on every cluster. I wish my grades were this fucking high lmao

Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory - Third Edition (MMPI-3): 335 item true/false test used to report a persons psychological state. This is looking to see if someone is lying to try and get a specific result. Among other personality things. 

I hated this one, just immediately pick true or false, don't think too much, which if you didn't skip down here, you know I probably like to do that xD. These results are written in a confusing way, but I think it said that I could possibly be lying about my symptoms and probably develop somatic (physical) pain symptoms as a stress reaction. I got even more nervous that this would say that I'm actually normal, nothing is wrong with me, you're just a lazy pos. I will ask to go over this part with my therapist to see if she knows anything more about this part. 

Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale - Fourth Edition(WAIS-IV): basically an IQ test. 4 sections that grade verbal comprehension, perceptual reasoning working memory and processing speed. They're looking for dramatic differences between sections, not necessarily the full intellectual score.  This was also confusing to read so it did not quell any anxiety from the other results that I got. Typical to focus on the bad when basically this whole thing screams YOU HAVE ADHD SILLY. 

One last sections before the diagnosis section, the interview. When you first set up the appointment the doctor needs to have an interview to see if it's even worth bothering with the test or not. This was her thoughts about me during the interview. Said that I seemed to be a well put together adult. I came in clean, dressed appropriately for weather, no problems with gait or coordination. I was alert, attentive and fully engaged in the discussion. Eye contact was sustained. Now I'm freaking out, shit I acted too normal, should I have put more effort into putting my problems on my sleeve? This seems silly, especially now with memory of me taking the iq test and how fucking fidgety i was during. There's other things in this section that are private so that's the part relating more to adhd symptoms. 

Actual diagnosis!!! 

major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and finally adhd, predominately inattentive type. I read that in just laid down on the floor for a few minutes. This was the point that i took a photo and sent it to everyone saying "sweet sweet VALIDATION". I can finally address this problem head on and GET BETTER. 

The last section was recommendations.

-continue therapy and consider seeking psychiatric therapy specifically and to consider the benefits of medication. I wasn't really seriously considering medication before reading this report. I'm bad at remembering to even take my thyroid medication and vitamins. accidentally skipping meds when they are mood altering could be a real bad time. I've also seen both the good and bad of taking adhd meds from others online. I really wasn't sure, but I really think I should call and set up an appt to look into it with my doctor. 

I wrote this blog in this way because 1. I thought my though process reading the report was pretty funny in some ways and just shows my anxiety levels, with the climax of fucking FINALLY. and 2. I didn't have any information really as to what the tests are for adhd, the doctor just said it's an iq test. That made me nervous, and there wasn't anything to logic out of it with others talking. Hopefully this could be used for people who suspect adhd and want to go forward with diagnosis. You shouldn't wait until you have a mental breakdown (speaking from experience) before considering this. This might also help people who aren't neurodivergent understand what actually makes adhd a disorder and not someone who is just being lazy. executive dysfunction is a real thing and can clearly be seen through evaluation. 

I'm totally chill with answering questions, even if you think they're too personal. If I do deem it such, I will just politely decline.