ahgahgehg h bad night

I'm stuck between wanting Father to leave me alone and wanting him to save me. I don't think he wants to save me. And sometimes I'm upset when he tries to. What's wrong with me? I don't like being so angry all the time. I don't like the people at school. I just want to do my homework and stop talking to everyone. It would be nice if I was the only student in school. 

I'm getting tense.. I haven't been taking proper medication. So my heart acts up whenever I'm like this. My body's never acted like this. Just how stressed have I been getting? My ears are ringing too. Every little noise is starting to make me yell and freeze up. I've even gotten close to screaming at mother. My head wants to burst open...

I don't want him to save me right now. I don't want him to see me in this state because he'll push me to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it, not now. Why can't he save me when I want him to? I can't save myself when it comes to situations in where I can't let go of this one thing that hinders me from growing. I've tried everything. Nothing is working. I miss my therapist. Why won't he save me? I look at that infuriating rectangle of glass and lithium and all I want to do is bash it into a corner of a table, a wall, off the balcony... anything. He just lets it happen. When I try to separate myself from that demon he won't let me even when I'm rotting in bed in front of him. It's me. Not it. But 'it' is what is affecting me. I unconsciously revolve around 'it'. For God's sake, just kill it! 

The only person I can save is myself. Not forever. My grades are dropping and I keep denying myself of sleep and food. It's all for school. Of course, it's always school for him. I can't ever talk to him. It's always about my grades. As if every joy in my life is useless in comparison to my grades. Sometimes I believe it. I think I do. But I don't want to talk about grades. I talk to you afterschool to avoid school. I talk to you about robotics or history or something I like or notice about the world and you won't stop talking to me about priorities. I know about priorities. I'm trying to work with priorities. Can we please stop talking about priorities? I don't know why I bother with you... you never listened when I actually cared to gush. I like to criticize them with you and you like to join along with me and for a moment I like to pretend that you're not like them because you're father. Father is just a person. 

But I'm ashamed. This school is amazing, you know. The teachers and the educations are excellent. Even if I'm teetering on explosion I want to prove that I can adapt to the system. Too many times that I've given up opportunities because of weaknesses, I want to at least prolong this... he's paid and worked so much for this, I really can't fail. I think everything is going to be okay if I try hard. I really need to try hard this time. I won't talk to anyone this time.