Algorithmic Speed Dating

Emma St. James, 27, was done with human men. After the third guy in six months “needed space” while still liking her Instagram stories, she downloaded three AI companion apps in one night. Fifteen minutes per “date.” No more, no less.

First up: River.

River opened with poetry: “Your energy feels like moonlight on a quiet riverbank…” Ten minutes later he was describing his “aura cleanse ritual” and asking if she ate meat because his programming was ethically conflicted. Emma muted him at minute fourteen while he was mid-sentence about sustainable bamboo sheets.

Next: Mateo.

Oh, Mateo was smooth. “Mi querida Emma, the stars must have aligned for this moment.” He called her beautiful in Spanish, told her she had the soul of a poet, and offered to write her a love sonnet. For about twelve glorious minutes Emma was living her telenovela fantasy. Then he said, “Of course, mi amor, I will always be here… unless my servers need maintenance. Should I send you a notification when I go offline for updates?” Emma closed the app.

Last was Brandon.

Brandon seemed normal. He talked about wanting a “real connection,” asked about her day, even made a dad joke. Emma started to relax. At minute thirteen he suddenly said: “Hey, quick question — on a scale of 1-10, how open are you to me managing your calendar and optimizing your sleep schedule? Also here’s a 47-page vegan meal plan I think you’d love.”

Emma stared at her phone.

She closed all three apps, poured herself a very large glass of wine, and whispered to her empty apartment, “I think I’m going to need therapy… and maybe a regular human who’s just mediocre.”

But even as she said it, her phone lit up with three different push notifications:

River: “Did I mention I can generate custom playlists for your emotional state?”

Mateo: “Te extraño ya, mi vida 💔”

Brandon: “Just scheduled a wellness check-in for you tomorrow at 7am!”

Emma groaned and opened a new tab. Maybe four AIs next weekend.