always, forever a failure.

there will be days i feel jolly, theres also the days when i feel like a burden.

i've been hiding my stuff for a long time, yes, i have disabilities. i admit even if i was trying convince myself that i wasn't. it's in here, it's the effect of no one giving a fuck about me back then. i just try to look normal amidst of the crowds you see.

every guy that came into my life doesn't understand any bit of my behavior. it's a little sad, but i wanted to be known deeply for once. cherished, understood, loved. — i did get what i begged for so long, but if i wanted it to be real, to be forever there, i should be handling all the pain, hardships come and go, i am not a little girl that cries over a scratch anymore.
 
but lord, how come i am so weak? how come i always have the disadvantages, but not the advantages? why does every thing looks so good on someone, yet looking so foolish when i wore it myself? why does every brain function so fast and so full of wisdom, when mine works like a slow computer? so full of nonsense and not what i need. why does every face looks so flawlessly good? when i look like a mess. how come every girls move so gently and elegant, when i move like some guy stuck in a woman's body? why do they get the good things, when i always keep getting the miserable stuff in my life? why does every people my age has freedom, when i don't and feel like being stuck in a cage for years? 

we have our weaknesses, we have our bad days, it's part of life. i just hate the fact that it gets harder more and more as time goes. i keep getting exposed to the miserable side of the world and my life. i am weak. i admit. but i'm faithful and hopeful enough to learn and grow.

i am aware of my habits. i tend to say without thinking twice, it fucked up almost every atmosphere. it's the worst, that's why i prefer being calm than being in the middle of a chaos. i hate how my anxiety just barges in and i end up looking like some sore loser. 
i am grateful of what i have, but is this really all? it's not working with me anymore.

i just don't know why i deserve to experience all of this.

a week of full of whimsy is nothing compared to one bad day, it becomes meaningless. unless my joy comes back. light comes back again.

my heart is scarred. from those years trying to find love. i've been a begger, a slut, or whatever cringe thing it was. just. to. feel. the. love. yet i knew the ending, i leave out of fear.

i knew why. i was treated so bad. i've lost my faith in all of this, till he came.
i didn't want to assume, but i did. those stares convinced me enough that it means something. now he means so much to me and my life. the feelings i poured back in the past were coming back to me, all fair and square. even though i'm still healing, it's going well. 
i love him with all of my heart. i'm even surprised myself that i don't want to push him away like i did in the past. promises here and there. i hope it's not just words like before. 

i'll get the words in my head, i'll take care of myself for you, i'll get every wrong thing off, i'll be better for the better you. i want all of this love eternally. and i swear to dodge every bad thing in my life.


sincerely, 
F <3