Am I a weirdo..?

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."- Kurt Vonnegut

Even as soon as I was 9 years old, I always dreamed of the day i would lose my virginity. Some 9 year olds dream about being pop-stars, astronouts. But I dreamed of getting raped. 

Why did I put the quote if I'm gonna talk about my sexual fantasies, well please stay you'll find out soon. 

Not all my fantasies were about rape or sexual assult, I had some normal ones, like my first time being in the back of a used up car in a Gas Sation parking lot. 

Now that I've matured even a little, I've realised that I didn't dream of rape, it was a picuture I forced my brain to think. 

My parents were amazing, but sometimes they neglected me and my sister, not in a abusing way, they just didn't seem to care about us. They're way better parents now if it makes anyone feel better. 

Another thing i idolized as a child was sociopathy, I often tried to mimic some behaviours, I guess that was the time I stopped pretending or mimicing. 

I think I am a sociopath, even if I am underage. 

And here I am, 5 years after my first sexual fantasy, has anything changed. 

Absolutely nothing. 

Yes, my parents are better now, but look at the wide picture, does that change anything? I'm still a isolated loser, still a virgin, still bored, still Naomi. Just Naomi, I really want to be remembered by something, anything, a sex tape, suicide note, an abusing marrige. If I could look back at my 9 year old self, there is nothing I'd tell her, except maybe, don't cut yourself.