an attempt at beginning

I never struggled this much with speaking as a kid. 

it's not all the time because I overshare well enough with the friends I do have, but out loud or in public online spaces? no. maybe it's because of what social media is now? how it's evolved into a messy goo of apathy and meaninglessness, and in my mind I feel like adding to the noise isn't helpful or relieving in anyway.

you try, but you're speaking among thousands of copy&pasted voices (modern day chainmail), profiles of people who aren't even real and faces that can be created within seconds. people, including myself, seek authenticity and we know when something resonates with us, but it's getting more difficult and man that sucks. it's like we're stranded in a sea of things that only know how to pretend (how uncanny). 

it is so demoralizing. 

I can't blame social media for all of it though, I used to be really loud (as I've taken to say all the time, I'm a leo moon~) and engaging never seemed to be an issue for me, I loved to yap and chat and make friends, go out on random adventures and figure it out along the way, but that's not something I do anymore, and I don't know if it's something I can get back to, but I'd love to try. 

so.. hopefully, with this I can acclimate to getting there again, if people follow along, welcome, I appreciate it! I was a little wary with the blog bit at first, even as I'm writing this I'm not too sure if I'm going to post it, cause of the speaking and vulnerability of it all and whatnot, but enjoy~

I will disclaim that I care a negative amount about writing in perfect grammar, I swap between caps/no caps etc,  it's really whatever (everything's made up anyway, just do what you want). 

I can't type for too long today because I have an errand to run, buuuut aha!
I did it!~  

jess

to add: I've been using the public layouts, ty to who makes them, I have to basically relearn code and I was never too good at it to start, so these are greatly appreciated~