an entry for every 'weird kid' that tried to be normal- what do they have that i don't?

"Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it." 

-Black Box Recorder

WARNING: I'm going to sound really annoying when i say this-- I go to a school for rich kids. 

Ew ew ew, even i got the ick reading that. Anyway, I've lived here all my life and because it's a "rich kid" school, it's got kindergarten, elementary, middle, and high school all in the same school. 

I've been at this school for 10 years, which means i've had the same people in my grade for 10 years (obviously people come and go but pretty much the same group of people yeah).

This means I have not had a do-over for TEN YEARS, which i suppose isn't that bad, but it does mean that my third grade friend group will be my friend group pretty much forever. it also means everyone in my grade level has seen me through my awkward phase, which was comically bad. 

like most schools, everyone has a clique. there's the populars, weird kids, art kids, smart kids, and drama kids... what the fuck is this? some kind of high school film??? 

I don't know what clique i'm in, because i only have three school friends. i like them enough. i think they are nice (ish). they like me, i like them. whatever. it works out. 

[there's a lot i could get into when explaining my school friends, a lot of drama and lore but i'll save that for some other time cause i'm lazy af lol]

everyone pisses me off so fucking bad???!? i think I'M the problem. 

i just feel like such an outsider. not in the sense that i'm bullied and that shit but just that i have no social skills and everyone pisses me off and that i can't make any new friends. let alone date anyone. 

 everyone i know seems to be so much better at it. when i check some 'popular' girl's spam instagram (none of those words in the bible btw, kms), everyone except for me had been accepted?!?! 

Like AM I THAT BAD?! i bet you if i played volleyball or really just had any athletic bone in my body people would give a slight shit about me but sadly i can't run a lap without wanting to kill myself. 

Like AM I THAT BAD?! i bet you if i played volleyball or really just had any athletic bone in my body maybe people would give a slight shit about me but sadly i can't run a lap without wanting to kill myself. 

i'm saying this but my equally un-athletic friend has been invited to some big blowout halloween party so nevermind. 

what am i missing?? is it boobs? i don't have those. is it athletic ability? is it that i need to start bringing needohs to school and trading them with the boys? 

i thought for the longest time it was because last year i had an emo phase (a lot of black eyeliner, studded belts, and pretty good outfits actually imo). i stopped dressing that way and i'm now wearing fuckass hollister and brandy melville to school with my hailey bieber ass looking makeup. i'm going insane telling myself that it's actually '2000s pretty little liars coded' and not just 'boring bitch' 

i thought that would fix it but NOOOO..

some girl just got to school this year, and she's emo! like me last year emo!! everyone ate it up! told her that her eyeliner was soooo cool. the boys called her "goth mommy" and shit like that. 

what about me makes me so incapable of being considered sociable? or cool? or 'chill' as a 15 year old boy would say. 

I don't know what it is. everyone pisses me off, and i tell myself that it's because they are all petty and annoying and popular but it's really just because they don't care about me. because i'll never be normal or capable of shedding how "weird" i am.