anxious attachment UGGHH

ughh ok so i have an anxious attachment style n it genuinely so annoying bc i only get really close w certain friends n so i kinda get really clingy n a lil obsessed 

n so i have a friend who is notoriously bad at responding to texts bc shes sleeping, working, or lost her phone n today i send a text talking about sm stuff n she comes online so i get excited thinking we r gonna talk so i keep checking to see if she read it yet jst to see that she went offline after like 2 mins of being online so i get sad n then a lil while later send another text, same thing happens so i lwk start crashing out bc y do u keep coming online for like 1 or 2 mins after i send smth n dont read it like stop baiting me bc i keep getting excited thinking we’re gonna talk but no 😭 n so w my anxious attachment i get very yknow anxious (shocker/s) n so in my head my brain is like “she got tired of how annoying u r” or “ur so boring so she doesnt want to respond to u” n ik rationally she isnt doing it on purpose but omg does it make me feel really anxious n physically sick (w anxiety) like pls jst dont go online at that point so i dont get excited 😭 

n then with another friend we used to color evryday like literally evryday b4 we went to bed but like a month or so ago her therapist told her to try to do things independently (including getting ready for bed ig) so our daily calls got put on hold for a while n it made me feel really anxious bc it felt like we hadnt called for so long n finally we start calling again but its way less like only 3 times since we started up again in weeks n so my brains like “she jst used a excuse to stop calling u so she wouldnt hurt ur feelings” or “she has better friends n a gf so she doesnt need u anymore” n it makes me feel really stressed 

n ik these r irrational thoughts n that they may make me seem controlling or obsessive but idk tell them that i think /feel these things bc i dont want them to feel guilty that im an insecure weirdo whos codependent on my friends bc that isnt their problem or fault n i try not to do anything to make them feel guilty about it (heavy on try, im not perfect so sometimes i do irrationally freak out n impulsively send a text or say smth i dont mean bc i feel scared that theyll leave me for one of their better friends n i immediately apologize)

i mainly jst wanted to vent this bc i feel bad about this stuff n jst want to get it off my chest to randos on the internet n maybe find sm1 who understands (my brain is so fucked up, it makes me so mad at myself)

anyways thats it, sry for being so negative 😭 

roz out!