ARFID rant (TW: obvious mention of ED)

Dude. I swear to god that ARFID is one of the worst things I’ve ever gone through medically because it’s so much more than just forcing yourself to eat different foods. In MY EXPERIENCE, MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, I’m NOT comparing the two in general, but my ARFID is worse than whenever I’ve had anorexia. Because with my atypical, I just had to learn that it was okay to be fat and that I still had a lot of friends who I care about and who care about me. There were healthier ways to lose weight. My problem with ARFID is that it comes in like surges. I gag or choke ONCE and I’m done. I get stressed and it’s just soup for the next like month. I never feel fully comfortable with solid foods. Like right now, it was triggered because I ate a breakfast sandwich and it just didn’t feel right in my mouth. I literally can’t get over it. And OMFG the anorexia accusations from my parents. “Last time this happened you lost 15 pounds in a month” OKAY? ITS NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT. I’M GONNA HAVE A PANIC ATTACK IF A SWALLOW SOMETHING CRUNCHY. IVE BEEN LOADING MY SOUPS WITH CALORIES BECAUSE I KNOW IM NOT GONNA REACH MY BASELINE. I DIDNT DO THAT WHEN I WAS ANOREXIC. I’m cold all the time, my blood sugar is low, I’m exhausted, I literally can’t focus on anything anymore. I fucking hate this. The most I can consume in a day is like 890 something calories. This is not sustainable for me because I’m 5’7”, 201, and VERY strong. I pride myself on being able to easily carry all of my friends around. I can only eat soup, but I hate extra ingredients so it’s just broth or tomato soup. Sure, it’s good for a debloat, BUT ITS GIVING ME (WARNING: GROSS) SOUPY POOPS. I NEED TO SHIT LIKE ALL THE TIME. I had a Diet Coke for breakfast and I can’t eat lunch because I can’t afford a tumbler, so today I’m probably gonna have like 500 calories at most. The last time I hit my baseline was on Monday and I had to eat and entire pint on halo top and I kept on almost throwing up. This sucks, but I literally can’t eat anything else. Guess I’m ready for emergency surgery always.