autism

having autism is lowk the worst sometimes. 

i'm already a very sensitive person and adding on the layer of autism makes everything 100% times worse. if someone is talking to me (especially online over dms) and their tone is like slightly negative i end up freaking out and wondering if theyre mad at me or if im annoying them. adding onto the fact that i attach myself to my friends very easily it genuinely scares me when i think a friend is mad at me.

having really strong hyperfixations and special interests literally suck. i will end up spending 90% of my day thinking about my interests, and putting off my actual responsibilities to watch/interact with them. there have been nights where i've stayed up until i physically cant stay awake anymore watching youtube. i remember when i was obsessed with the dream smp its all i wanted to talk about, think about, and do. 

i also worry that i make my hyperfixations my entire personality, like i really like the color purple, and i want to talk about purple, but i worry people find it annoying how much i like purple, like they might think im being preformative, or trying to get attention. i did the same with stranger things and the dream smp. i was told once by someone i was close to that they didnt want to hear about stranger things anymore, and it really made me upset.

its just like so annoying because i cant handle when someone i care about and like is mad at me, or even slightly upset or dissapointed, it brings me actual pain sometimes, like literal nausea. even sometimes when i get left on read or delievered i just start to worry and spiral.

i also just get so tired. and then i get angry. i get so agitated when im tired, or hungry and for some reason my dad finds it really funny. everytime he picks me up from school he does some stupid shit that pisses me off and he thinks its funny.

like literally 20 minutes ago he picked up some desk organize off my floor and dumped all the shit on my bed, and then didnt even do anything with it!??!?!?!?! and then he used my cats brush on her and after he got a bunch of hair in it he just DUMPED IT ON MY BED!!?!?????? ihe didnt even take the hair out!!!! im so annoyed. 

he also had the audacity to tell me my autism doesnt make my period worse???? he doesnt have a period or autism so he has no fucking right to tell me what does and doesnt make me feel worse.

thank you for coming to my ted talk :p