bad habit of mine

[TW child abuse, verbal abuse] 

I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me from being abused as a child. I’ve always been an angrier person though it’s gotten less obvious over the last few months; I have anger-based meltdowns that happen once every 1-3 months, I mutter curses to myself, I look at everyone rudely in the halls and will push past people if they’re in my way. I pushed into this one girl yesterday on purpose because she and her friend group were right in the middle of the hall as if they were main characters. It’s annoying me just writing about it. I also have a very hard time not insulting people when they do something stupid or at least what I see as idiotic.. I’ve grown to be more understanding of others but the anger is still there and sometimes I’ll call them stupid or whisper a curse or straight up tell them that they’re a fucking idiot. 

I’m mainly talking about this because not only have I been insulting and talking back to my father more, I’m also accidentally being rude to my friend. Not really accidentally but I wish it was accidental. Why does being rude feel so good? Falling back into old behaviours, insulting people, intimidating others, it feels good, even if I don’t exactly want to do it again. It’s wrong and I don’t want to be bad but the impulse is there. If you’re someone who is stupid within relationships or situations with an obvious solution do not talk to me because I fear I will just call you a fucking bitch and then leave you to fend for yourself. if ur not gonna take urself out of a situation or distance urself from it don’t tell me about it because obviously it’s not big enough of a problem if you aren’t willing to FIX IT. targeted. 

i do think I need to learn to love and support people. One of my main flaws in relationships is that I don’t feel love so I don’t have the instinct to help them, I just find them annoying. I am trying to help the people I know but fucking hell these people are testing me. It’s almost like some of these people want me to lose my shit and swear at them (mainly talking about my parents here bc why are you harassing me all of the time) 

lowk might manifest meeting a rapist my age so I can beat the fuck out of him and have it be moral. obv I don’t want anyone to be raped or killed or anything but… if they haven’t been caught yet.. me and my sadistic tendencies from the ripe old age of 5 will sort it out. i feel like a dog with how much my teeth want to rip flesh open. 

this post is not a threat nor do I beat and verbally abuse people in my freetime I just have problems I promise I’m kinda nice bye