BAD rant

ive really REALLY done it know omg i dont know how i keep fucking my life up like this

okay so, im back with that one friend who i keep falling out with or whatever because he's liked me ever since we started talking and he kept breaking up the friendship because he knew i didnt like him back but recently it got really bad and i begged for him back again thinking i liked him too and now we're kind of dating but i dont think i actually really like him like that and that i was just super emotion and missed him really hard as a friend??? and now i feel like the worlds biggest douche canoe and im totally wigging out because i know if he ever knew this it'd probably shatter his heart into a million and one pieces

it also doesnt help that i absolutely still have it out for my current crush!!! and i dont even know why!! i've known my friend for 2 years now ever since moving states and we're universes closer than me and my crush but maybe thats why im less attracted to him?? because ive had it in my head for so long that hes like a brother to me and that i dont like him back, and my crush is also super cute and super tall and such a dork and i love that about him especially now that we're getting closer

plus i put so much effort into analyzing all the interactions between me and my crush for about a year now and my mom also liked him and all my friends knew about him and now i feel like i just lost something really nice that i was really enjoying out of some stretch of desperation at wanting at least one friend going into junior year. i didnt want people thinking i started dating my friend because i felt like i had to, but honestly i DID feel like i have to and it hurts me so bad to lead him on like this but he was so happy to hear i even kind of reciprocated his feelings

im trying to tell myself what im feeling is actually real and not just a product of me feeling hormonal and platonically lonely at school but the more i think about it the queasier i get and i actually can feel my brain spilling out my ears at this point

i hate this i wish i was mike kennerty's girlfriend on a rejects tour right now and then i wouldnt have to worry about boys and chemistry and all this bullshit