big day yesterday + negativitybiasday

Yesterday, me and my friends went to the mall and went downtown. I'm almost surprised nothing crazy happened. I was driving, and look, i'm not a professional driver or anything, but i'm the only person willing to drive for these things because they're extremely far away from where we all live. I dont necessarily have an issue with driving far away, because where i live, everyone's been to all the malls and stores. The amount decreases everyday, our area kind of sucks. Either way, After eventually picking everyone up, we made the trip to the mall which was about an hour away. 

48 minutes passed on the way there, when i realized i had a lot of responsibility in my hands right now. The wellbeing of all my friends, myself, and the other drivers around me being managed by micromovements in my thumbs was kind of a surreal thing to realize. It's not even that I haven't driven before, I did the exact same thing just a couple saturdays ago, but i was in some sort of state where i was telling myself that nothing bad was going to happen, and it didn't. i don't know how to describe it...shock? I don't really know, but nothing bad happened, everybody's at home safe, I'm tired physically but other than that,  fine, so i guess i was right. I don't plan on driving for the next one, I'm actually quite tired. 

I havent written in a couple days, you probably havent noticed. I was planning a post a while ago, but by now i've forgotten what i was complaining about, so maybe it wasn't important. Things are looking up right now! I got my iphone and $60 to my name, but i had a nice night and day yesterday, i got some of my work done for school, and although my grades look like shit, i have hopes they'll improve by the same time now in december. The only thing i havent applied for is scholarships. I really fucking hate scholarships. Why does some random old guy who was a super nerd dictate whether i get to go to school or not? And even ignoring that, im not the best student. There's definitely an overachieving impoverished student who can write better, has performed better, and probably has more extracurricular activities than me who could apply to any scholarship they want and get it. I don't compare to some of the people in my school, so other schools with better funding and more programs? I don't even want to look. 

I haven't come to any major realizations to write about yet. Nor have any hit my while writing, like usual. apparently i'm experiencing anhedonia, where i don't enjoy things as much as i used to, or something adjacent. i might be, and probably am, but it's not like i have access to an anhedonia-go-away drug, so for now i just deal. I think a lot of my life has been spent being aware of things and still letting them affect me. In middle school, i was dared to ask my crush if she liked me. I knew was going to say no, and did so anyway. when she said no (i actually asked her to rate me out of 10, and she said 0,) it hurt a little. I know it seems childlike and unimportant now, because i was fucking 12 and couldnt come up with anything better to introduce the question, but it kind of stuck with me. I'm having a conversation with one of my older friends-to-enemies-to-friends, and she said "the last girls you've shown us (her & friend group she's in) were like 0s, when i know you can pull a 10."
I continued the conversation by making an excuse like "acquired taste" and "idk i think i was geeked," but she's not wrong. Not because I believe so, but because when I showed the same group my ex, they all collectively called her ugly. Literally not one person said she looked even tolerable. It's not that I think she's ugly, but if a bunch of people are telling you something, i feel like if the only person thinking otherwise is you, it's more likely that you're wrong. She's not ugly by any means, just a heavier set individual. I don't necessarily have a type, but the past few people ive shown that particular group were heavier set, so now they think i do. i like all types of women, but i know how i look and act, so i know who would realistically like me back if i said i liked them. I'm trying to beat around the bush, but i hope you understand what im trying to say. 

I've dated a lot of people, which may be a red flag; i've also mostly only dated online, which also may be a red flag. i don't like talking about my dating life, it's really embarrassing, but the reason why most of my relationships are online is because im fucking ugly. Not that the people i've talked to don't know what i look like, but the stakes are quite a bit lower talking to someone a couple of miles away than talking to someone who is literally in all of your classes. No matter who it was, if i ask them if they liked me, i was under the presumption that i'd get a "0" and the relationship would be awkward from then on. Fear penetrates every portion of my life, its a miracle i drive at all.

I had a dream a cried about my ex, i know, weird thing to dream about, and i actually didn't enjoy being vulnerable like that at all in the events after. At least now i know what I think it wouldve been like. I thought dreams were the interpretations of signals from a part of your brains that aren't correlated at all, i keep having dreams about things i actively thought of that day, i actually don't enjoy it at all. I didn't even have a wave of relief after realizing it was, in fact, a dream. Instead, i thought of the blog and how now i'd have to say i actually do have the capacity to cry. Now im kind of glad I dont. 

a lot of things couldve gone wrong, and they didn't. and, for once, someone was gained instead of lost this time. yay!