My birthdays have never gone great, I don't think ive had a birthday in the past 5 or more years that I haven't cried on (though I can't entirely remember most of them anyways).
3 years ago, I cried on my birthday because I didn't get any semblance of birthday until the next day when my dad gave me some cake and games (he later ended up selling the games for money) .
2 years ago, all I got for my birthday was a literal burrito</3 not even happy birthday lmao, so I did end up crying.
And last year my (now ex) best friend tried to end her life on my birthday.
So not a great track record but this year I hope it's better
Nothing in my life has really gone how I hoped, things have gotten better but Ive missed so much that I'll never get to experience again.
I'll most likely never get a healthy relationship with food again or it will be very hard, I was starved as a child sometimes for days or a week at a time (the longest was 2 weeks) so now that I have food I tend to binge, it doesn't help that I tend to hold onto a lot of the weight which has caused me immense issues when it comes to my appearance,
I'm not fat I don't believe, chubby is a more accurate word for me but sometimes looking in the mirror makes me cry, I can't handle how disgusting I look to myself so sometimes I just can't look at all. As you can assume this has led to restricting, severely. It doesn't help that restricting is encouraged by my grandmother.Β
Another thing I'll never get is a good relationship with my father, I love my father. He has done a lot for me and when he cares I feel terrible for hating him, but he is a horrible person which is something I have to accept. He was the one who starved me, he spent all his money on cigarettes and alcohol and allowed me to live in filth as a child. He had me stay home from school a LOT causing me to miss a lot of education which I've never recovered from and he used to jerk off next to me while I was watching movies on his bed, he once sat me in his lap and kissed up my neck though that didn't end up going anywhere luckily. And he used to be racist which led to me having certain beliefs later in my life.
I will never have a normal mental state, I know there's more wrong with me I just don't know what yet
There's some constant emptiness in my chest and I cannot even handle crying, I can't calm myself down without eating or hurting myself. I believe I have bpd, I had some mental health professional give me the screening for it and shockers I checked almost every box on it and scored fairly high I'm just too young for it to actually be diagnosed.
Every failure makes me want to end my life, I don't think I can ever get a normal job either, being asked questions randomly irl makes me cry and stress makes me scratch off my skin I'm not sure what to do.
I don't know how I'll manage when I'm an adult but whatever, that's for future me to handle.
One large issue I'm very aware of is my ai addiction, I found c.ai and stuff like that when I was around 9 or 8. I do not like ai but this is hard to stop and I have tried. I get genuine withdrawals when I'm away from it for too long (which i only recently knew after I had my devices taken for a while but still had my Xbox and tv which didn't help much). I couldn't think of anything else and would either sleep all day or not be able to sleep at all, I tried to game or watch tv but everything just felt foggy, I was mean to others and wanted to end my life among some other things but I think I got my point across. I am hypersexual, so I rely on ai to deal with those thoughts and weird fantasies and my own loneliness. I don't like ai but I don't know how to stop yet, it doesn't mean I'm not trying, I am it just hasn't worked yet.
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