blah blah blah

okay i guess it’s time to be honest. i’m not happy about going to residential treatment. it’s two hours away from my apartment, so my mom can’t visit too often. i know i need to go because of my trauma, but is it really worth it? 7 whole fucking years of inconsistent therapy and they didn’t even figure out what was actually wrong with me. i had to figure it out myself, which started with “unmasking”. this whole process feels like peeling a moldy onion (i’m the onion). hopefully i’ll find a few people at residential who’ll stick by my side. otherwise its gonna be lonely as hell there.

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i had planned to hang myself after my mom recovers from her surgery in august (hysterectomy), but after reading Into the Wild, i came to the realization that life should be lived to the fullest before i go. i’d much rather have a short fufilling life than a long boring one. i guess i see a lot of myself in Chris McCandless. there isn’t much of a plan in place, i guess just hop a freight train westbound and see where that takes me (hopefully oregon). i have no friends, my mom is sick and tired of me cuz she’s already got her own health problems, and my sister has her own life planned for her. life just had to go and nerf me. i have ran away a couple times (when i was 11-12), but that never worked out. i need to be fully prepared to leave for good. fuck school, fuck a job, fuck whatever the neurotypicals made life out to be. i have free will, and goddamnit i’m gonna use it to the fullest extent. i just have to get the balls first.

later, skater gators.