blog 004 - another rant 💔 (does this guy ever shut up)

(this one’s a lot about my mental health) I know i said i was gonna go more into depth about how relatable the song boys day (bloody sea) by pacific purgatory is but i changed my mind because i watched the backrooms last night with my best friend and clark’s speech about liking it there really got to me. This is gonna sound silly but ever since watching the end of evangelion movie, i’ve wanted to be myself and also fix up my mental health more which i usually don’t really take care of despite having the resources to because whenever i thought of fixing my mental health in the past it made scared and i’ve always just wanted to stay the same or when i was deep in my mental illness i wanted to get worse and in the back of my mind ive always wanted to get worse so that everyone pity’s me and sees what they did wrong but thats incredibly juvenile. And i brought up clark’s speach (or monologue?) because that’s really what it felt like, i liked being mentally ill it gave me a sense a self like in the og series in the finale they talk about how your different others is what separates you from them and make you, you or wtv but i no longer want to be like that because it makes me feel more pathetic, and it inconveniences the lives of the people i love. Now I just want to get better because i know that’s make me feel better (no shit 😭) than how “good” the rolling around in my own vomit, metaphorically, made me feel. I know i gotta take baby steps but i think im ready to grow up :)