blog 005 - vent about life :(

so, as i was hitting my new goal of 20k steps per day (my plan is m110k->m15k->m3->20k and so on) i kept thinking about how i was venting to my best friend about my struggles with eating in a calorie deficit and how draining working out is, and to sum up his response: "its not that deep". He's my best friend, so ofc he said his piece with care for my feelings but the ignorance on his part is kinda disheartening. its only to be expected tho bc all his life he's been athletic, smart and (no homo) good looking so he of course can't understand but i wish he wouldn't act like how i behave is crazy or unorthodox because he doesn't know what it's like to be hideous and fat, with no hobbies passions and i do good in school but thats about it (i lack a lot of common sense lol) so being good looking in my opinion would help me out a little. apart from that though, i've been eating over my deficit so much and at first i was only maybe 10-200 over but then it became my og maintience and now i'm struggling with daily self control to point where im considering just never going in the kitchen unless prompted or for my walks (bc i walk around the living and kitchen for my steps bc i dont wanna go out till im beautiful). I hate this so much i just wish my parent raised me on normal portions and fehjhsjha why couldn't i just be naturally skinny. ive been trying to be positive and fix my mental health but it's hard to look at yourself without disdain when thats all passerbyers or peers do when I happen to curse their eyes (or they just treat me as im nonexistent). I was supposed to be at least a little more easier on the eyes by now but my pig like appetite and lack of self control has made it so i go another school year as an ugly unapproachable beast. last thing im ftm so the only upside to my monstrosity is that it helps me pass more but when people find out about my sex theyre disgusted and the ones who alr view as my sex feel the same (im in the closet so ppl only think im a boy when i pass by them) and so i attract a lot of straight/bi/pan/gay people till i open my mouth. anyways with that being said i hope by the end of this transformation i'm an average looking "girl" and a very handsome man :) oh and im black(and little to no european or european like features) so i alr don't societal beauty standards 😹😹😹😹