blog, blog, repeat

everyday always a long fucking day. just blogging off my infinite list of problems and getting lonely when I have no notifs

daydreaming fantasies of better life, fantasies about giving my head to the leash, fanta c's abt having nosebleeds in class and screaming while everyone looks at me like a freak. 

truth is I'd like that. Sloth, just never moving again so I don't have to feel again, seeing ghosts... visions of my old friends

will this cycle ever end? blog, blog, repeat

I'm not even sad or all that nervous that school will start soon, I'm just disappointed

disappointed that I'm going to have to push everyone away, or worse, go back on my word and let the cycle anew

blog, blog, repeat

"I feel like every summer I become worse of a person"

that's the face he made, or atleast close

its was a look of pity yet confusion, like describing pain to someone oblivious to the concept except that they know its bad

it makes me sad that I cant know everything, there is someone living in recluse just like me that I'll never ever meet

there is someone that I would genuinely like and not just appreciate for their objective beauty but we will never even know eachother's names

Ive only ever told 3 people whats inside my head

one I told everything 

the second I told some

and the third I kept it vauge

one died

the other betrayed me

and the third just could never truly understand

I say most things in my blogs but I doubt anyone that knows me irl will ever care to check my friendrewind of all things, its still in my linktree, maybe as a cry for help, I'm cant say these things out loud or with 100% certainty

but who the actual fuck cares

don't dare to say words without meaning 

I say and think that I'm over trying to get someone to understand, but maybe they'll always be a part of me that wants someone to know all of me

not just the faceless letters on a website and not just the flesh mask either but me, because they're both me, they're all me, the voices in my head, the me from 5 years ago, the loverboy, the person I try to be, its all me, I have such needlessly complex sense of identity that had created this infinity between me and everyone else, and identity that I can barely put into words

I'm just a little, tiny bit, lonely

someone called me mentally deranged on my profile, I know its probably true but it still hurts to hear because I wasn't always like this, but I don't even know what happened, I theorized that it was a mix of music, and romanticism of suicide and mental illness, as well as a mix off other factors like ideology and the influence of media, that in short manifested where I am today

but it all happened so fast and I cant remember if it's true or not because I cant remember anything so a part of me still feels like the edgy tween I was 3 years ago (only reason I remember what I theorized is bc I wrote it down in my journal)

don't even read this Im sleep deprived again I can tell

remind me that I want to talk about physical vs digital tmrw and ughhhh I know I already said it but chainsmoker cat is seriously funny, also spyxfamily manga is getting good again