blog is up so yk we down(purgatory)

I think that the world sees me trying to be better and just spits on me to let me know that I can never change 

I have been in this state for a while now that I call purgatory, when I don't want anything, nothing at all, no wants, no needs, nothing in the world seems to please me, just pure apathy 

I've had episodes like this before but I don't know if I'm gonna get past this one, its just so  so much, its hard man 

why, that word kills me, everytime Im low that's the word my head is screaming at me 

"why am I doing this again?"

"why do I have to wait 2 years?"

"why why why am I here?"

"why is that important to me again?"

and its the worst question because I don't have an answer to it, or rather the answer is nothing 

I have no goals, and the ones I do have I don't know why I'm going through this much pain to see them when I don't even really like them that much.

all that's to say, what's the point?

that there is no point?

to make my own?

what I mean is what's the point in THAT, trying to make something out of this world, to get some dopamine, some oxytocin?

but that would be hell, what I'm talking about is purgatory remember?

I don't know why I'm trying so hard in defense of suicide just the same as I don't know why I'm trying so hard to think of reasons to live

a purgatory between life and death where I cant trust anything and I know nothing

but I guess I'll just jerk off and go to sleep until its over because that's just about the only thing I can rely on, my instinct as just another animal